Concerts

I was talking with a friend today about concerts that I have been to. I've been to some great ones, like Garth Brook's last tour, and I saw Elton John perform with Billy Joel in the dueling pianos show. I have even seen my childhood crushes- New Kids on the Block on four occasions. I've seen Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney and the Dixie Chicks multiple times each. Madonna was the WORST show I have ever been to. I would NEVER waste my money on her again. I've seen Bon Jovi, Creed, Ozzy Osbourne, Carrie Underwood, Janet Jackson, Gretchen Wilson, Big & Rich, Dierks Bentley, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilara, Mariah Carey, Boys 2 Men, 98 Degrees, NSync, Ricky Martin, Chicago with Earth Wind and Fire, Sugarland, Poison and Warrant. I have pretty eclectic taste in music.
The boyfriend teases me because now that New Kids are back on tour, I would LOVE to go see them again. I'd probably see off my right arm to go. I didn't get to see them on the last go around in October 2008, but mark my words, I WILL get there. No matter what it takes. I just take solace in the fact, I am not the only 30 something year old woman who will be there screaming her head off for these four guys I was the first to discover back in 6th grade in 1987-1988. I was the first girl to bring them to my school and tell my friends about them. No one knew who they were. I had seen their picture in a teen magazine and later that day saw them on MTV. I was hooked. I still have a box of memorabilia somewhere.
Who can say they have liked someone that long and still held out hope you would see them perform again?
I was crushed when they did that show a few years ago on VH1 about reuniting the band and Danny declined the invite. Of course the boyfriend laughed like a crazy man but I felt all the wind go out of my sails and almost lost that last glimmer of hope.
When I first heard they were going to be on the Today show earlier this year, I was transformed back into that giddy pre-teen I was 20 or so years ago. I check my DVR system daily to see if it can find any shows with them on it. I've seen them on the Today show twice recently and Rachel Ray as well. I was feeling just like those three girls who were competing for the Ultimate Fan. Deep down, I know I am the best fan!
It's great to feel 12 again, only 20 years later!!!!!

Why I Hate Old Navy and Victoria's Secret

I know why they call it Victoria's Secret...

The secret is anytime someone comes into their store who cannot wear their product, they treat them like crap. I have walked into Victoria's Secret on a number of occasions and not ONCE has anyone EVER asked if I needed help. The thing that aggravates the crap out of me is that I may not necessarily be shopping for myself. I could be shopping for my mother or sister or whoever. The kicker is that I love their beauty products. I wear their perfume and body creams and lip glosses. I have almost gotten to the point that I want to send someone else in to buy my stuff. I hate shopping online because it can be a pain in the booty.

Old Navy associates and customers must be cut from the same cloth. Two weeks ago me and my sweetie went shopping there to look for khaki pants for him. He can fit into their pants and some of their shirts. Every time I go there I get ignored, people walk in front me and no one ever asks if I need help. I can't buy anything there really unless I am shopping for my sweetheart. It just irks the crap out of me.

My sister who wears a size 4 said she gets this treatment when she goes in Lane Bryant shopping for me or my mother. I guess size discrimination happens everywhere.

I think the worst is when other big people critize other big people. My mother is a big proponent of this. She has been plus size for years and constantly told me what I pretty face I had and how much better I would look if I lost weight. I'm the first one to admit I need to lose weight to get heathy. But I think I look good for my size. I dress nice, I wear cute clothes, My hair always looks good and I have great accessories. Many times the older ladies at my company have commented to others and it has gotten back to me their compliments.

But I think because growing up I never thought my mom was anything less than my mom and she was beautiful. That's why I hate that one commercial where the mother said she lost weight because her kid said she was fat. What she needed to do was teach her kid tolerance and to respect other people regardless of their size, race, creed, etc. Then lose the weight for herself.

I have an understanding that sometimes kids say inappropriate things but their parents need to teach them better instead of laughing it off. Bet they would not be laughing if their child was different and others were pointing or making rude comments!

Deep down I think the woman are jealous because I am a big beautiful intelligent freindly FATABULOUS woman!

That's probably why some women could never understand why I always had boyfriends. They did not realize, big women are better lovers! LOL!

I hate being a woman!

I got a call two weeks ago from my gynecologist that my pap smear did not come out so good. I had a bad one two years ago and she did a retest a year later. This time she only wants to wait six months. So I have to go again in January and spread my legs for all my glory to be shown to the world. If your skinny person it's uncomfortable, but when you are a big beautiful Fatabulous girl it is even worse. Try not to tip the table when you are putting your naked curvy booty on the lovely scratchy paper protecting the table. Then try to open your legs as wide as you can while worrying if your boobs are going to fall to the side and hit the floor or if the doctor can get to what she needs while working with all your lucious curves.
I'd rather pull my eye out by sticking a pen in it!!!
Then to make matters worse, I called yesterday with a question and they asked if I was still bleeding despite having the iud. Of course, I was, so I have to go get my blood levels tested. Maybe by levels are low. Who knows? I've been really tired lately but that can be normal for me. So we'll see what happens.

UGH!

Today is one of those days! I feel like a big ball of crap. After two years of trying to figure out why I have been in so much pain on my left side and discovering other medical issues, it was discovered i have two herniated discs in my spine. It took 8 doctors to finally figure that out. i had reached my breaking point and my gyne was at a loss to suggest anything else and finally said she wanted me to go to a pain specialist. My first visit he said he thought my spine was messed up and my discs were out of whack. One MRI later I had two herniated discs at the L3/L4 and L4/L5. So I have undergone three spine treatments that were a combination of medicine injections and shock therapy. I am now functioning at 60%. It's better than it was, thank God! I'm back to work full time finally after being on leave for three months.

But today it is really acting up and I must have ate something bad that is wreaking havoc on my digestive system, because since yesterday I have been worshipping the porcelain goddess frequently. The thing that sucks is I just had some kind of flu two weeks ago.

And on top of that, even though I have had my Mirena IUD going on 9 months, I still have my period. It stopped for awhile after the doctor discovered it was not providing enough hormones and I now take a hormone pill daily. She wanted to know at my last visit 4 weeks ago if I came off the hormone if I would start bleeding again. The answer is YES! I forgot to get my medicine filled in time and went a few days without it and almost 5 weeks later I still have a period daily. I was so getting used to not using pads or other methods of contraception. I'm thinking if it does not stop soon, I'll need to call her back to see what we need to do to get this stopped.

I'm tired of feeling sick and tired.

PCOS

How funny! I've been sitting here all morning, examining myself in the mirror and lamenting the side effects of having PCOS. Thank God my body hair is light and you can barely see the facial hair. The skin tags can be removed eventually. The hump on my back is there to stay. The Type 2 Diabetes is also along for the ride.
I realize that 21 years ago this summer was my first encounter with PCOS. It was the time I got my first menstrual cycle. It has NEVER been normal/regular. For years I searched for an answer. There had to be a logical reason for me being crawled up in the fetal position on the floor sobbing from the pain of cramps. Changing my pads every hour was mind boggling. Thinking back, I should have told my family to invest in stock of feminine products. We all would have been rich!
It hampered my life. I can remember getting up from my desk and one of the boys in a nice way mentioning I must have sat on a red pen. I had bled thru my underwear, shorts (because we all wore shorts under our school uniforms to keep the boys from looking at our panties), and through to my skirt. I was mortified. Who wouldn't be?!?!?!
This continued through my teenage years. I even had one doctor tell me to just get pregnant and maybe it would fix itself. (I was 19 and unmarried and a college student!) Finally in my early 20's after seeing gyne after gyne and going on birth control pill after pill, I came across PCOS. I don't even remember how or where I found it. I just had recently switched doctors and luckily he was familiar with it. His wife also had it. What are the chances??? I was with him for a while and in a tragic accident he passed away. I bounced around to a few doctors until I found Dr. P. She is a godsend.
Whenever I call or come in, they treat me like family. She's honest and upfront with me. No holds barred. Sometimes to a fault. LOL! Thankfully she is just a few years older than me, so we will have a long road ahead of us together.
The same year I transferred to Dr. P that May I had just felt awful. I was real out of sorts and could not shake whatever was happening to me. I just didn't feel right. It felt like I had the flu that would not go away. My nurse practioner sent me to test after test to try to eliminate this or that. One Friday a few weeks later in June she had all the tests back. She left me a message at work to make an appointment to see her. My heart dropped. We were planning my dad's 50 birthday and I was preoccupied with helping my sister with anything I could. I called the nurse prac back and asked to speak to her directly. I could not wait to make an appointment, they could not get me in for awhile. I would go crazy in the meantime. I hate suprises so badly that the boyfriend and I exchange x-mas presents a few days before because I can't stand it.
She finally lamented and realized if she didn't tell me I would go insane, quite literally. I had Diabetes. I knew it was only a matter of time before I got the dignosis. It ran in may family and I had PCOS. It was inevitable. I was ready to fight it head on.
It has put life into perspective. My bf's dad died from all kinds of complications less than 6 months after we met and he also has it. His has progressed in a bad way and we recently added insulin to the mix, so hopefully this does the trick. Watching him feel like crap is hard. I feel helpless and I am used to him being the one helping me through.
Anyways, back to PCOS, I was watching Work Out on Bravo today and they were enrolling clients in a type of boot camp deal. The doctor who was advising Jackie, the gym owner, mentioned one of the ladies had an "Unusual Medical Condition". I knew right away what he was going to say next. It was the first time I had heard PCOS mentioned in a show not directly dealing with medicine. I had seen it on Mystery Diagnosis on Discovery Health but not on regular TV.
I'm curius to see how much other people have seen it out in the real world and what their experiences are with it. I know infertility is the biggest one, but what are the others??

Family

Family isn't necessarily the parents or brothers and sisters you are born with. Sometimes they may be the friends that you have or your aunts and uncles or grandparents that you may not spend as much time with as you wish you could. You may not have even realized until later in life, just how much these people make up your family.
Whether they are there cheering you on or putting you in your place or holding your hand through a tough situation. Sometimes it's the partner you couple up with that is there with you through it all.
It took me awhile to understand all of these out of the norm people were my family. They are the ones that I want/need to surround myself with.
I've come to realize the negative people in my life are toxic, both emotionally and physically. Staying up late worrying if I spent enough on this one's gift or called X amount of times or made this many visits to someone was getting me nowhere but to a life of insomnia. They are the ones that talk about how much money they have or where they live or what kind of car they drive. But they forget where they came from. They forget it's a long way down from their high horse or pedestal. That fall is bone crushing.
It's funny because I've never been all about money or status. I mean it's nice when you have extra, but trust me I understand when you don't more often than not. LOL! The way I have always seen it, is that you can't take it with you when it's your time. I can hardly see St. Peter meeting you at the pearly gates and asking you how much was in your 401k!
My friends have never been all about money and my aunts and uncles understand you do what you can. My gifts always have thought behind them anyways. The best gifts are the ones that I really take the time to put together. One year for Christmas, I put together a basket of small gifts for her of her favorite things. It had chocolate covered cherries, books, movies and lotions. She looked less than thrilled when she opened it. My heart dropped. I thought I was the rock star for the day. Maybe if I had purchased a large gift certificate to her clothing store she frequented, it may have been better.
The funny thing is my parents recently became snobs. My siblings always had that brewing for years. There was years my parents barely scraped by or my mom was borrowing money to cover checks so they would not bounce. It never bothered me that we never went on a family vacation or went to Disney world. My mom always said the money to pay our tuition or pay for any extra curricular was the vacation money. I accepted it and never questioned it. I wasn't a scarred kid because I never met Mickey Mouse. There's more to life than that.
Someday I hope to have my own family one day with my boyfriend. I know we'll try our best to be a good example for our kid(s). Show them to treat everyone with the same patience, understanding, love and respect as they would want in return. We'll teach them that even the wealthiest person in the world can fall down. But it's all in how you pick yourself back up. They will learn from their mistakes and go forward.
My extended family has taught me that. How to hold my head up high. Even if I wasn't the daughter to get married first or even second, I'm still an okay person. I may not have had the first grandchild or chose to live with my boyfriend first before getting married, but I'm not any less of a person.
And neither is my bf. He may not be rolling in the dough, but every doctor's appointment I go to, he's there holding my hand. He's the one who rushes me to the ER whenever neccesary or when I just can't function, he'll do the dishes or laundry. I know it's tough on him. Most men would have left a LONG time ago, not him. He tells me every day that he loves me and shows me in the little ways.
I see how good he is to all my little cousins and my friends' children. He's quick to run to my aunt or uncles house whenever needed.
Those are the types of people I want to surround myself with. They are the ones who will wipe your tears or push you off the ledge when you don't have the courage to jump. They are the ones who may drift in and out of your life and when you catch a breather will call you and pick up where you left off.
They are not just friends to me, they are my family.

Eggs

I sit here contemplating the rapid approach of my 32nd birthday. Sometimes I wonder how did I get here to this place? My dream growing up was to graduate college and be married by 24 with a kid on the way shortly thereafter...

It's all long gone. The college I can continue slowly plodding along. The marriage thing... Well, nowadays you don't necessarily have to be married to have a kid. The bf and I accepted about this time last year that we may need to do it all a little backwards. He was really good about it and was like okay whatever needs to be done.

Well, obviously because of a variety of health set backs, we haven't started. We're both okay with that but...

I sit here thinking about what I heard the other night while watching the "Real Housewives of New York City". Bethenny's friend was listening to her speak about wanting a baby and she said she understood her point especially because she said, "We are born with all the eggs we will ever have in our life."

What a cruel joke... Men can produce as much stuff as they need to but we're limited. It's almost like we have an expiration date. And as her friend on the Real Housewives pointed out, you want to use the most fresh eggs here... What am I doing making a cake???

Has PCOS made my expiration date come sooner than the master plan? Or maybe it has delayed it a bit by all those months of having no period. Or was it speed up by those months I had multiple periods or a month and a half long one quite frequently.

Or maybe I need to heed the bf's advice. He claims eggs have no expiration date. (I on the other hand still think this is up for discussion) He also says when he was little the eggs used to sit out all day at the grocery store outside of the cooler. I don't remember that part but maybe he is right.

I know I started my period at 10 or 11, all I can remember is my mom turning to me that day and saying she wondered when my time would come. I swear on the Holy Bible, that day I got it. Maybe I was cranky and she thought it was hormones that day, who knows. I kind of blame her for that. LOL!

But I can't think about my expiration date. I need to live life to the fullest. Whether that is rocking out at a Bon Jovi concert with friends or taking a road trip with my honey bunches of oats to see our favorite baseball team.

I need to enjoy the time I have with family and friends and with my little family I have with the bf and our animals. Like my aunt says there is always a way....

Soul Mate

You know how sometimes they say every person has a soul mate? Well, I have a few, not just one. Obviously, I think my bf is my soul mate. We complete each other's statements and can read each other's minds. But I have another one...
I met her, wow, it's been 18 years all ready, sitting behind her in Senorita Renfroe's Spanish class freshman year. The two of us probably couldn't read a lick in Spanish anymore, but we tried. She's one of those friends that you may wander in and out of each other's lives for awhile but like magnets, you always come back to one another. You always pick up where you left off, like you didn't skip a beat. It's funny I have another friend with the same first name that is the same way.
Well, I had been really down lately and kind of been out of touch and kind of explained what was going on and my friend told me to try this thing called blogging. I had heard of it, but I thought it was just what I needed. I needed to voice my thoughts, feelings, frustration, basically scream it out without screaming.
So, here are my thoughts, dreams, feelings, frustrations, hopes, etc.
It's like pulling a bandaid off a wound, it feels worse at first but then much better.