By nature I am not a jealous person. Very seldom do I let the green eyed monster get the best of me but today it has.
I logged into Facebook like I do EVERY day usually multiple times a day and there in not one but TWO Facebook friends' statuses they announced they were expecting. That brings the current total to 7 and rising daily. I should probably expect it, we are all married and in our child bearing years but every time I read/hear it my little blue eyes turn green. I wanna scream, "Good fuckin' for you!" But I bite my tongue or at least control my fingers and send a message of congratulations. Tell them what a blessing it is and how happy I am for them. Inside a little part of my heart weeps. I want to be the one getting the congratulations. I want people to ask me what names me and my husband are thinking about. But not now.
I've ALWAYS wanted to have children. Despite what my mother and sisters' thought, I think I'd be good at it. I mean I know I can't keep a plant alive but my animals are alive and thriving and a baby needs attention. A plant needs water and occasional sun light, it's not crying because it needs/wants those things. Plus you can sometimes even revive the most brown leaves.
I know right now is not the right time for my husband and I. My body would not allow me to get pregnant. I don't even get periods monthly anymore. The last one I had was in August and it lasted almost 6 weeks. Until I have the weight loss surgery, it will never happen. It would be dangerous at this point too. For both me and the baby.
So I wait. I try to stay positive and let it be my long term goal for our future. It will happen. God's plan includes it.
Until then I will continue to put on that happy face and try not to get choked up when we walk in Babies R Us and buy another little outfit with my understanding husband holding my hand the whole time.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The Invention of Lying
Tonight I watched the movie The Invention of Lying. It was good, I really liked it. It kind of touched a cord with me, because I was the chubby kid growing up. I was everyone's friend but not the pretty girl. I think in grade school I was popular. I played sports and was in student council but secretly I wanted to be the girl all the boys wanted to kiss. That never happened.
I didn't have my first kiss or first date until freshmen year of high school. It wasn't what imagined. For the next two years I was just average in high school. I was friends with everyone but not popular by any means. Sophomore year, one of the guy friends I met convinced his friend to take me to homecoming. My date ditched me at the dance for a pretty freshman. Somehow this guy friend I met, who was popular became my best friend and eventually we dated. Still not sure to this day how that happened.
No matter what happened I was always the chubby girl that was everyone's friend. No one lusted after me. I was the one they copied off of in class or told the joke to. I was the pal. It hurt back then but ultimately made me a stronger person.
Fast foward ten years from the Sophomore homecoming dance that I was ditched at, I get set up with this guy on a blind date. We talked on the phone quite a few times before we actually met. I of course made sure he knew I was a plus size girl, I just didn't tell him how plus size. I picked him up for our fist date and off we went. When I picked him up, all I kept thinking was please don't let him be a dork. He wasn't. He was a little shorter than a thought and missing a little more hair than I imagined but overall he was cute. I didn't realize until a week or so ago that he almost jumped out of the car and ran because I had lied a little about my weight. For some reason he was able to overlook that and gave the date a chance. I'm so glad he did. There are times I think, like Ricky Gervais' character, Mark, in the movie, that he like, Jennifer Garner's character, Anna, is way out of my league. I'm sure when people see us, they think the same thing. I've seen other smaller plus size girls give him a look. He knows it too. But what they don't see is the love. They only judge the physical outward experience, the same thing them themselves fight against stereotyping everyday. I know we look like an odd couple at times. But we embrace each other's souls. We enjoy the laughter and the time we have together. Screw the outside world. My husband took a chance on me, like Anna did on Mark in the movie. She wanted ultimately to be happy and be with her best friend.
I'm with my best friend. I can count on him to be there thru thick and thin (and I'm not just talking about weight either). He's my champion. He'll stand up for me and pick me up when I'm down, or at least when I fall outside Tiger's Stadium on the ice, lol!
We joke that our motto is: You and Me Against the World. At times it really seems like that. But we stay open with each other and risk hurting each other to keep our marriage honest. Sure I'll lie that his hair may not be thinning as quickly as it really is and he might tell me that I'm a good housewife, which I KNOW he's lying then! I'm a horrible housewife. But I fill our home with love. I may leave a phrase on the mirror for him to discover in the steam from his shower or text him something sweet. Or he may bring me home a book he thought I would like or pick up dinner from my favorite local restaurant. It's the little things. Those are the things those people who judge us don't see. They don't know the dozens of football games I sat thru with him when we first started dating, him not knowing I didn't like football. I have grown to love it and now it's something we share. Go Cowboys! Or the country concerts he's taken me to, knowing he is so not a big fan of country. Amazingly though the other day he came home to tell me he accidentally turned on a country station in the car and was proud of himself that he identified the singer. Maybe I'll convert him yet.
What people fail to realize is looks fade. When you're old, everyone has wrinkles, can't hear and wears glasses. Well, I plan on having my completely bald husband sitting next to his saggy boobed wife!
When I'm lucky enough to have weight loss surgery, my body will change, but my husband will still see the same person he fell in love with. The one who washes his glasses for him before we leave to go out. Those are the things that count....
I didn't have my first kiss or first date until freshmen year of high school. It wasn't what imagined. For the next two years I was just average in high school. I was friends with everyone but not popular by any means. Sophomore year, one of the guy friends I met convinced his friend to take me to homecoming. My date ditched me at the dance for a pretty freshman. Somehow this guy friend I met, who was popular became my best friend and eventually we dated. Still not sure to this day how that happened.
No matter what happened I was always the chubby girl that was everyone's friend. No one lusted after me. I was the one they copied off of in class or told the joke to. I was the pal. It hurt back then but ultimately made me a stronger person.
Fast foward ten years from the Sophomore homecoming dance that I was ditched at, I get set up with this guy on a blind date. We talked on the phone quite a few times before we actually met. I of course made sure he knew I was a plus size girl, I just didn't tell him how plus size. I picked him up for our fist date and off we went. When I picked him up, all I kept thinking was please don't let him be a dork. He wasn't. He was a little shorter than a thought and missing a little more hair than I imagined but overall he was cute. I didn't realize until a week or so ago that he almost jumped out of the car and ran because I had lied a little about my weight. For some reason he was able to overlook that and gave the date a chance. I'm so glad he did. There are times I think, like Ricky Gervais' character, Mark, in the movie, that he like, Jennifer Garner's character, Anna, is way out of my league. I'm sure when people see us, they think the same thing. I've seen other smaller plus size girls give him a look. He knows it too. But what they don't see is the love. They only judge the physical outward experience, the same thing them themselves fight against stereotyping everyday. I know we look like an odd couple at times. But we embrace each other's souls. We enjoy the laughter and the time we have together. Screw the outside world. My husband took a chance on me, like Anna did on Mark in the movie. She wanted ultimately to be happy and be with her best friend.
I'm with my best friend. I can count on him to be there thru thick and thin (and I'm not just talking about weight either). He's my champion. He'll stand up for me and pick me up when I'm down, or at least when I fall outside Tiger's Stadium on the ice, lol!
We joke that our motto is: You and Me Against the World. At times it really seems like that. But we stay open with each other and risk hurting each other to keep our marriage honest. Sure I'll lie that his hair may not be thinning as quickly as it really is and he might tell me that I'm a good housewife, which I KNOW he's lying then! I'm a horrible housewife. But I fill our home with love. I may leave a phrase on the mirror for him to discover in the steam from his shower or text him something sweet. Or he may bring me home a book he thought I would like or pick up dinner from my favorite local restaurant. It's the little things. Those are the things those people who judge us don't see. They don't know the dozens of football games I sat thru with him when we first started dating, him not knowing I didn't like football. I have grown to love it and now it's something we share. Go Cowboys! Or the country concerts he's taken me to, knowing he is so not a big fan of country. Amazingly though the other day he came home to tell me he accidentally turned on a country station in the car and was proud of himself that he identified the singer. Maybe I'll convert him yet.
What people fail to realize is looks fade. When you're old, everyone has wrinkles, can't hear and wears glasses. Well, I plan on having my completely bald husband sitting next to his saggy boobed wife!
When I'm lucky enough to have weight loss surgery, my body will change, but my husband will still see the same person he fell in love with. The one who washes his glasses for him before we leave to go out. Those are the things that count....
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