Fatabulous1

The life of a FABULOUS fat girl and her struggle with PCOS, Diabetes, IC and Pudendal Neuralgia and her journey through weight loss surgery.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Alone

I feel very alone lately. I almost want to walk around like Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire when she says, "Alone. Alone, alone, alone". That's how I feel.
I know I have my husband but only a few friends. And they're so busy with their own lives that I don't wanna be needy and clingy. But I feel like I'm floating in the ocean waiting for someone to throw me a life preserver or catch me up in their net. I usually am not one to be coddled but I almost feel like I want that.
I'm jealous that the hubby has made so many new friends through Poker and the ones I made turned out bad. I know I'm at a disadvantage because not many women play poker but I'm not even sure where to go to even make more friends. I mean, sure I'm friendly with two of our poker friends' wives but it's not like I can ask them to go shopping or dinner. I don't know them that well.
It's only going to get worse when I start working my permanent schedule. My off days are Tuesday and Wednesday. Those also happen to be the days we play poker. Hubby already said he would figure something out because that will techniically be MY weekend and I want to be able to do things and spend time with him. But on the weekends he'll be able to do whatever until it's time to pick me up.
Part of me wants to scream somebody like me and want to be my friend, please! But it doesn't work that way.
Maybe I'm just having a pity party for myself today. I don't feel good and the pain's overtaking me.
I like the new job and made a "friend" but she's a little older and foreign, so I know we have a lot of differences and probably wouldn't be much else. But it's a start.
As for family, I know those ties will never be fixed. I made my decision and while I would do it again a million times over, I wish they saw my husband for how good he is to me and hom much he loves, cares for and adores me. I know he'll do the same for our child/children someday and that's what matters most to me. I love my family and wish them the best but that's it. I just wish the nightmares/dreams I keep having about them doing me and my husband harm would stop. I have some dreams where they tell me why they never loved me. Those are the hard ones. I usually wake up crying. This week I had two in a row in the same night. Eventually I hope they go away.
For now I deal. I push forward and put my energy into my new job, my hubby and animals and poker. Right now it's all I can handle.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Rainbow After the Storm

Last night was a REALLY bad night. The hubby and I fought pretty bad. Almost to the point he wasn't willing to forgive me and try to work past it all. I don't blame him, I was mean, meaner than normal.
I tried apologizing last night to no avail and just went to bed alone finally. After I had laid there for a bit I felt weird and went into the bathroom. Strangely enough there was blood on my underwear and not the "Time of the Month" kind, because it was already that time. But right there near the waistband, two spots of blood. Oh no, not again.
Sure enough, my bellybutton was bleeding and infected AGAIN! Yup, it happens every so often, ever since I had an ovarian cyst removed like ten years ago. But this time it's worse. It HURTS. Like I'm worried it's a couple different scenarios. 1) I have a hernia that's pushing on the scar tissue and causing the inner scar to bleed. (A hernia is not very visible on larger people) 2)I have endometriosis that's running rampant inside and it's pushing on it all or 3)I have a PCOS Cyst that's wreaking havoc EVERYWHERE.
The problem is, until our insurance kicks in after 60 days, we'll have no clue what it is. Until then I pray, keep it clean and covered and wait. Last time it got bad, I ended up on IV's in the hospital.
Throughout this Joe's been very good about it. When we were walking today he wouldn't let me carry/lift anything while shopping. And he won't let me lift the dogs right now.
Those are some of the reasons why I have to think before I speak and not be so mean. I realized what life may be like without him and it scared me.
We had such a nice day today and I know he knew I was trying to make amends as was he. He even held my hand as he drove which he usually doesn't like to do, especially when it's snowing out.
Now, I start my new job and I'm geeking myself up for it. Let's hope all goes well on Monday. I'm nervous and anxious. Let's hope this is the pot of gold....

Monday, February 8, 2010

Good Day

Today was a good day overall. The hubby and I went grocery shopping, then had breakfast with a good friend. Afterwards he dropped me off at home to rest and he went to a poker tournament. This afternoon we went to my other bestie's house for her annual Super Bowl party. We had such a nice time.
Because of her crazy hectic life, between work, three kids, running a barn and teaching riding lessons, I'm lucky to get a return text sometimes. Lol! But being there with her and her family put things into perspective for me.
I only need the people around me who are a good influence. Not that I give into peer pressure but I need friends with similar values as me. The people that value not only themselves but their friends and relationships.
We had a pretty in depth conversation about marriage/relationships and how much work they are. But the hard work is well worth it in the end. The end result is the best grand prize ever.
I know that regardless of what happens, some people cannot make a marriage work and that people make mistakes and I can respect those that admit their faults. The ones I cannot respect are the people who think marriage is disposable and like to play games with it. That goes against the vows I said in front of God, the reverend and my husband.
Marriage isn't about what kind of house you kive in or what kind of car you drive, it's about the relationship you have with your spouse and the example you set for your children. Right now as much as I would LOVE to have a baby, I'm almost glad we have some time to sort through this whole marriage thing.
I still get the little flutter in my tummy when someone asks my last name and I remember I have a new one or I refer to myself as Mrs. It took a LONG time to get here and we've been through more than people in their lifetimes have gone through but we made it. And I want people around who think the same way.
I know no one is perfect and I will love them regardless but the friends I have recently separated myself from were not good for me. They played life as if it were a game and in their sick minds they made us all pawns in the game. I don't play well in those type of games. I don't enjoy watching people get hurt. That hurts me. Yes, I'm a little more sensitive then most and as my hubby and other bestie pointed out half joking/half serious that I tend to find or look for the best in people almost to a fault.
They're right of course. I open my heart too quickly at times and have a hard time closing it on some at times. That's why I'm glad my hubby will step in when need be to protect me.
That's what marriage is about. Holding each other's hands and supporting each other. Friendship is the same way. I know I'm not a perfect friend by any means but I try my best daily to be. I may take awhile to return a text or have to cancel last minute when I'm not feeling well, but keep in mind as disappointed as you may be that I had to cancel, I'm doubly disappointed. That's why when I can I push myself whenever possible.
Wheb I go back to work it may be harder to do things or get together but I will try my best. And that goes not only for friends but my own husband.
I fear all the time he may just one day and turn to me and say, "I just can't do this". But as he points out to me when I voice my concerns, our vows said for better OR worse. He knows there may be a week where I can go go go and the next I'm no good but he works with me.
That's what friendship and relationships are all about. The work you put into it. The payoff is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Crazy

Yesterday was a crazy insane day. It was completely overwhelming. Outside of ongoing drama from our poker group, when we arrived at our usual place to play to eat beforehand, my parents were there. I didn't know at first they were there. My husband saw them first. He ushered me quickly into the bar area so as not to see them sitting in the restaurant area. He didn't want me to see them and be hurt. He already knew I was on edge because of all the drama. I sat with my back to the door the entire time. My hubby could see them and they could see him. I'm glad I didn't see them. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing the pain on my face. I tried to put a brave face on for my hubby. I think deep down he knew. He knows me almost better than I know myself. I hoped for a glimmer of a second that they might suck up their pride and just come in to say hi. But I knew it wouldn't happen. Maybe someday. Maybe.
The drama in the poker group has hit an all time high. I was informed the night before last that I was a horrible friend and couldn't be trusted. That I wasn't loyal and liked to play games. I was heartbroken. I had been nothing but a good friend to her. I was supportive to her in every way possible. I tried so hard to help her and apparently in her eyes, I failed. It floored me.
I've had the same best friend for almost 20 years. Granted we've had our ups and downs but we're still as close as could be. My other best friend I've had for almost twelve years and we've never had a fight. My husband makes fun of the conversations we have because start one, go to another and go back to the first topic. I love both of my best friends' daughters like they are my own nieces. I just didn't get it.
I also have a close friend who lives very far away that understands me so well that it's amazing, even though we lost touch for many years. These three women show me what true friendship is like. Even though I don't see them as often as I'd like I know they're there no matter what and accept me as is faults and all.
I'd rather have a few close friends than many lousy ones.
I realized this all today after having what my friend refers to as an ugly cry. I was all red puffy eyed, snot running out my nose, all choked up telling my husband about this and he told me I was better than the lousy friend. I
It hurts but I'm getting over it all. I have to.

Monday, February 1, 2010

3 A.M.

A good friend of mine who also blogs uses song titles as her blog posts and the sonh 3 A.M. By Matchbox 20 was appropriate for this entry. Thanks for the inspiration sweetie!
There's a line that says, "It's 3 A.M. It must be morning." Well, yes it is 3 in the morning and my wonderful husband just had to run to our friend's house and get me medicine for my neubulizer (breathing) machine for asthma. My medicine was expired amd I apparently I threw it out. My lungs were extremely tight and my expired inhaler wasn't cutting it. I had noticed lately I was wheezing more than normal and my chest was tight lately, I chalked it up to the cold weather. Then the other day I had a really bad coughing fit in the shower, almost to the point of passing out. Scared both of us but I figured it was a fluke until it happened again. This time I was just sitting on the couch and laughing.
Red flag went off in my head. Started to panic, probably exacerbating the situation. I tried hot beverages. Nothing. Tried the recently expired inhaler. Nothing.
Sent my girlfriend a text because her son also uses a breathing machine and asked her what the name of the medicine you use with the machine was so I could call the doctor and get a prescription. She also went to nursing school, so I figured she'd be a big help.
She turned out to be a bigger help than I thought. Turns out her son and I take the same medicine and she could give me 4 vials to get me through the next day or so. I was/am eternally grateful.
My poor husband, who was almost asleep on the couch, but was fighting sleep to try and keep me company just in case we needed to go to the E.R., ran out to get me the medicine at, you guessed it, 3 A.M.
He was so good about it. No complaints. Think he stayed very calm so as not to set me off on a tailspin. Plus, without insurance, the ER visit would've buried us.
People wonder why I'm for a better healthcare system and this is an example of why. For the two of us monthly the insurance is $1200. I bring home $1000 in unemployment. So after rent, car payment, car/rental insurance, groceries and utilities, even including my husband's pay, we're stretched thin. We even put off getting our satellite fixed and don't have tv until my free cable through my new job kicks in. It's ridiculous.
I've read articles where they say after luxuries, the first thing people eliminate when they have money problems is health insurance! That's sick. We shouldn't have to do that! We're one of the wealthiest countries in the world and millions are still without proper/adequate health care! Ridiculous.
It's sad that I pray nightly that neither of us gets seriously ill because we couldn't afford it. Something needs to change in the healthcare industry and fast. Luckily 60 days after I start my job, we'll have health insurance. So let's pray for the next 11 weeks, we have no major issues.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Jealousy

By nature I am not a jealous person. Very seldom do I let the green eyed monster get the best of me but today it has.
I logged into Facebook like I do EVERY day usually multiple times a day and there in not one but TWO Facebook friends' statuses they announced they were expecting. That brings the current total to 7 and rising daily. I should probably expect it, we are all married and in our child bearing years but every time I read/hear it my little blue eyes turn green. I wanna scream, "Good fuckin' for you!" But I bite my tongue or at least control my fingers and send a message of congratulations. Tell them what a blessing it is and how happy I am for them. Inside a little part of my heart weeps. I want to be the one getting the congratulations. I want people to ask me what names me and my husband are thinking about. But not now.
I've ALWAYS wanted to have children. Despite what my mother and sisters' thought, I think I'd be good at it. I mean I know I can't keep a plant alive but my animals are alive and thriving and a baby needs attention. A plant needs water and occasional sun light, it's not crying because it needs/wants those things. Plus you can sometimes even revive the most brown leaves.
I know right now is not the right time for my husband and I. My body would not allow me to get pregnant. I don't even get periods monthly anymore. The last one I had was in August and it lasted almost 6 weeks. Until I have the weight loss surgery, it will never happen. It would be dangerous at this point too. For both me and the baby.
So I wait. I try to stay positive and let it be my long term goal for our future. It will happen. God's plan includes it.
Until then I will continue to put on that happy face and try not to get choked up when we walk in Babies R Us and buy another little outfit with my understanding husband holding my hand the whole time.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Invention of Lying

Tonight I watched the movie The Invention of Lying. It was good, I really liked it. It kind of touched a cord with me, because I was the chubby kid growing up. I was everyone's friend but not the pretty girl. I think in grade school I was popular. I played sports and was in student council but secretly I wanted to be the girl all the boys wanted to kiss. That never happened.

I didn't have my first kiss or first date until freshmen year of high school. It wasn't what imagined. For the next two years I was just average in high school. I was friends with everyone but not popular by any means. Sophomore year, one of the guy friends I met convinced his friend to take me to homecoming. My date ditched me at the dance for a pretty freshman. Somehow this guy friend I met, who was popular became my best friend and eventually we dated. Still not sure to this day how that happened.

No matter what happened I was always the chubby girl that was everyone's friend. No one lusted after me. I was the one they copied off of in class or told the joke to. I was the pal. It hurt back then but ultimately made me a stronger person.

Fast foward ten years from the Sophomore homecoming dance that I was ditched at, I get set up with this guy on a blind date. We talked on the phone quite a few times before we actually met. I of course made sure he knew I was a plus size girl, I just didn't tell him how plus size. I picked him up for our fist date and off we went. When I picked him up, all I kept thinking was please don't let him be a dork. He wasn't. He was a little shorter than a thought and missing a little more hair than I imagined but overall he was cute. I didn't realize until a week or so ago that he almost jumped out of the car and ran because I had lied a little about my weight. For some reason he was able to overlook that and gave the date a chance. I'm so glad he did. There are times I think, like Ricky Gervais' character, Mark, in the movie, that he like, Jennifer Garner's character, Anna, is way out of my league. I'm sure when people see us, they think the same thing. I've seen other smaller plus size girls give him a look. He knows it too. But what they don't see is the love. They only judge the physical outward experience, the same thing them themselves fight against stereotyping everyday. I know we look like an odd couple at times. But we embrace each other's souls. We enjoy the laughter and the time we have together. Screw the outside world. My husband took a chance on me, like Anna did on Mark in the movie. She wanted ultimately to be happy and be with her best friend.

I'm with my best friend. I can count on him to be there thru thick and thin (and I'm not just talking about weight either). He's my champion. He'll stand up for me and pick me up when I'm down, or at least when I fall outside Tiger's Stadium on the ice, lol!

We joke that our motto is: You and Me Against the World. At times it really seems like that. But we stay open with each other and risk hurting each other to keep our marriage honest. Sure I'll lie that his hair may not be thinning as quickly as it really is and he might tell me that I'm a good housewife, which I KNOW he's lying then! I'm a horrible housewife. But I fill our home with love. I may leave a phrase on the mirror for him to discover in the steam from his shower or text him something sweet. Or he may bring me home a book he thought I would like or pick up dinner from my favorite local restaurant. It's the little things. Those are the things those people who judge us don't see. They don't know the dozens of football games I sat thru with him when we first started dating, him not knowing I didn't like football. I have grown to love it and now it's something we share. Go Cowboys! Or the country concerts he's taken me to, knowing he is so not a big fan of country. Amazingly though the other day he came home to tell me he accidentally turned on a country station in the car and was proud of himself that he identified the singer. Maybe I'll convert him yet.

What people fail to realize is looks fade. When you're old, everyone has wrinkles, can't hear and wears glasses. Well, I plan on having my completely bald husband sitting next to his saggy boobed wife!

When I'm lucky enough to have weight loss surgery, my body will change, but my husband will still see the same person he fell in love with. The one who washes his glasses for him before we leave to go out. Those are the things that count....

Dog Health Tip of the Day