U ever have those days where you're mad at the world? Well, I'm mad. I feel gipped. I feel abandoned. Angry. Fooled. Tricked. I was taught your family was supposed to love you unconditionally. It was supposed to come with the territory. How stupid I was?
Love? There are strings attached. You must make this much money. You have to look this way. You must weigh this much to be accepted and not have your family be embarrassed to be around you or seen with you. You have to marry who they think is suitable. Whatever.
I wasn't embarrassed because my dad kinda resembled Buddy Holly. I didn't love my mom any less because she was bigger than some of the other kids' moms. The thought NEVER even entered my mind. I loved her because she was my Girl Scout leader and tried to throw me a surprise 14th birthday party. My sisters were a pain but I loved them. Still do. The one person I miss the most is my brother. I loved him best. He knew it. He was my baby. I would do anything for him. From the moment he came home from the hospital when I was 8 1/2. I fell head over heels. Whatever he needed or wanted he got. That's probably why he didn't talk until he was two. He pointed and I jumped. I get that he has to stay in the good graces with the rest of them and as a result, has cut me out too. But there are times the phone rings and I wish it were him on the other line. He was my buddy. We'd go to concerts and baseball games together. We did a lot together and I miss that. He and my husband did a lot together too and deep down I think he was hurt by it a little too. He saw that, even though, they did things together my other sisters' husbands started getting treated better. It sucked.
I know as time moves on, little by little, it will hurt less that they don't want to be a part of my life or accept my marriage or my husband. My brain acknowledges that. I just wish my heart would...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Secrets
Lately I've been feeling like I am the keeper of everyone's secrets. I'm ok with that but sometimes it can be overwhelming. I mean, I'm glad so many people trust me and feel that comfortable but there are some secrets I've been trusted with that I can tell no one. I trust my husband without a doubt but some people have even asked me to keep him out of the loop. As heavily as it weighs on me, I will honor their wishes. I know who's cheating on their spouse and with whom, I know who is comtemplating cheating, I know who had a pregnancy scare (and it may not have been with their spouse), I know who has an alcohol and or drug problem, I know who's been beaten by their spouse, I know who is going through mental or emotional issues. I know it all. The probelm is that all of those secrets I know apply to not just one person, but multiple
people and that breaks my heart. I try to be as strong as I can for my friends and continue to pray for them daily.
Secrets are hard sometimes. Growing up my family kept many secrets. They were ashamed to fall out of the high regard people had for them, which was falsely attained. Alcoholism runs in my family, I try not to drink often, if at all because of it. Growing up I thought it was normal for your dad to come home and have 5 or 6 beers after work. I thought it was normal to fear your dad going up after dinner, taking a shower and coming down a different person. My brother and I, as adults referred to it as the "bi-polar shower". You never knew if th laid back cool dad was coming down or the one who would throw things, yell, bully you, call you all names and at times push you around. We grew up fearing our father. It took me a long time to realize this wasn't normal. Even years later it still scares me. My dad got so bad one night he threw me against a wall and broke my gold chain. I called friends to come get me and I ran out of the house to wait for them on the next block. My dad chased me out of the house and I told him to "Fuck Off". He grabbed me and tried to make me to stay and begged me to forgive him. It was then he told me and only me he had a drinking problem. I told him I would help him but I needed to leave for the time. My friends came and got me and I called my mom to inform her I was staying overnight. I was informed over her dead body and to return home. I dutifully did. The next day I tried to sit down with my parents and discussed what my dad told me and they told me I was lying, making it up. They then proceeded to do what they did best, sweep it under the rug and ignore it. That's the way they dealt with everything.
When I was raped at 16, I kept the secret from them until they overheard me talking to someone else about it. It my teenage brain, my rapist telling me that he would kill me and my family if I told, was true. I kept the secret to protect them. Once they found out, we called the police and followed the channels. It was NEVER spoken of again until years later. I was a virgin when it happened. I thought in my parents eyes, I was dirty. I had fallen in their eyes, although due to no fault of my own. The only other tines it was talked about was when my mom asked me years later if I had lied about it and again if that occurance is what led to me being fat. Nice. Gotta love that. I didn't speak to a counselor about any of this until many years later and realize how messed up my childhood had been.
I am very open with my husband and the majority of my friends but have a hard time opening up because of my family. I plan on being very open with my children. I won't sweep things under the rug, they don't get fixed that way. The only secret I plan on keeping from them for many years is if there really is a Santa Claus. I pray that's the only one I ever have to keep.
As for my friends, you're secret is safe with me. I'll do what I can to support you and help you along the way. I hope there comes a day when you can address those secrets but until then, kmaljdhfurojdudjuewoy. My lips are zipped!
people and that breaks my heart. I try to be as strong as I can for my friends and continue to pray for them daily.
Secrets are hard sometimes. Growing up my family kept many secrets. They were ashamed to fall out of the high regard people had for them, which was falsely attained. Alcoholism runs in my family, I try not to drink often, if at all because of it. Growing up I thought it was normal for your dad to come home and have 5 or 6 beers after work. I thought it was normal to fear your dad going up after dinner, taking a shower and coming down a different person. My brother and I, as adults referred to it as the "bi-polar shower". You never knew if th laid back cool dad was coming down or the one who would throw things, yell, bully you, call you all names and at times push you around. We grew up fearing our father. It took me a long time to realize this wasn't normal. Even years later it still scares me. My dad got so bad one night he threw me against a wall and broke my gold chain. I called friends to come get me and I ran out of the house to wait for them on the next block. My dad chased me out of the house and I told him to "Fuck Off". He grabbed me and tried to make me to stay and begged me to forgive him. It was then he told me and only me he had a drinking problem. I told him I would help him but I needed to leave for the time. My friends came and got me and I called my mom to inform her I was staying overnight. I was informed over her dead body and to return home. I dutifully did. The next day I tried to sit down with my parents and discussed what my dad told me and they told me I was lying, making it up. They then proceeded to do what they did best, sweep it under the rug and ignore it. That's the way they dealt with everything.
When I was raped at 16, I kept the secret from them until they overheard me talking to someone else about it. It my teenage brain, my rapist telling me that he would kill me and my family if I told, was true. I kept the secret to protect them. Once they found out, we called the police and followed the channels. It was NEVER spoken of again until years later. I was a virgin when it happened. I thought in my parents eyes, I was dirty. I had fallen in their eyes, although due to no fault of my own. The only other tines it was talked about was when my mom asked me years later if I had lied about it and again if that occurance is what led to me being fat. Nice. Gotta love that. I didn't speak to a counselor about any of this until many years later and realize how messed up my childhood had been.
I am very open with my husband and the majority of my friends but have a hard time opening up because of my family. I plan on being very open with my children. I won't sweep things under the rug, they don't get fixed that way. The only secret I plan on keeping from them for many years is if there really is a Santa Claus. I pray that's the only one I ever have to keep.
As for my friends, you're secret is safe with me. I'll do what I can to support you and help you along the way. I hope there comes a day when you can address those secrets but until then, kmaljdhfurojdudjuewoy. My lips are zipped!
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