Christmas

Somehow I made it thru Christmas in one piece. Not without a few tears of course. Thank God my husband understands. He completely surprised me by taking me out on Christmas Eve. We went to get presents for our animals and he took me to one of my favorite restaurants, Maggiano's for dinner. He even took me shopping and bought me two sweaters and a pair of pants. I think he really tried to make it special because it was our first Christmas as husband and wife. As he was holding my hand walking into the mall he turned to me and said he was so happy to be married to me and what a great ride it's been so far. I know neither of us are perfect but it meant a lot to me. He's a pretty manly guy and doesn't get too mushy usually. Today he made sure to get us two "Our First Christmas 2009" ornaments. We couldn't find any on Christmas Eve but he found them today. He apologized that he bought them on sale! Silly goose! That stuff doesn't matter to me. It's the little things. I don't need the fancy jewelry or luxurious vacations. I love that if he sees a book or movie he thinks I'll like, he'll get it for me. I'm just happy he thinks of me. I'm not a materialistic person, never have been. He knows this. Just the fact that he puts thought into things matters. He knew I needed to be busy on Christmas Eve and got me out of the house and my mind off things. I'm not sure how far in advance he planned it or if me getting only two hours of sleep and crying my eyes out that morning started the wheels turning. Doesn't matter. Matters that I was with him and we had a great day. Christmas Day was okay too. I woke up with a cold and he let me sleep in instead of cooking breakfast like I had planned. My friend was kind enough to open her family celebration to us, seeing as no family members wanted us around. Their loss. Although I did send both sets of grandparents a Christmas card and wrote inside that no matter what I loved them regardless. I think it should've gotten there on Christmas Eve. But I was with my love so we could've been anywhere and had fun. Next year I hope to be a little strongr and less weepy but who knows. Thank you baby for being my hero.

(Had a Bad Day-Part 3)My self-esteem is really taking a hit by continually getting turned down for jobs. I gotta keep pressing on. I want this surgery bad. I want a job to feel normal again. We need the money and health insurance. Plus it will get me out of the house so I don't sit here stewing all day. So let's hope Wednesday's interview goes better. I know I'll be praying it does.

(Had a Bad Day-Part 2)So hubby reminds me of the old hair dryer we kept to use on the dogs after baths. Well, he could've blown on my hair and it would've dried faster. Get to the interview with semi damp hair and ROCKED the assessment. Did the interview and the way it went seemed positive but I had a REALLY weird feeling about it. Got an email about 2 hours after I left saying they decided to go with another candidate. I cried my eyes out.

(Had a Bad Day- Part 1)Laugh every time I hear that song but today it applied. Wasn't feeling good all day yesterday and didn't really sleep last night. My husband tried to get me to reschedule my interview this a.m. because he knew I felt bad. I refused even though he told me he thought they were gonna jerk me around like they did to him. I wanted to push myself and go so I got ready to go. Drying my hair and the motor in the dryer blows.

(Some Good News)I have two job interviews next week! Very happy about that. Tuesday I finally played Poker in the free tournament my hubby and best friend do every week. They both were so helpful and patient with me. I ended up finishing in the Top 20. I was proud of myself. No word on the insurance or surgery yet, so I wait. Earlier my hubby told me how much he loved me and loved me no what. I started to cry because he really meant it.

(Just keeps getting better & better)Just got a call from the surgeon's office, they have a cancellation tomorrow morning. I can't go until I get the insurance straightened out. I continue to wait.

(Fed up.)I'm so frustrated! Keep applying to jobs and I'm getting the run around. Now I find out they have up to 60 days to reinstate our health insurance. In the meantime my surgery keeps getting further out of reach. Our reduced rate on the insurance is up on January 31st. We can't pay the normal rate! WHY COULDN'T I HAVE FIGURED THIS ALL OUT BEFORE??? I don't think I was ready yet. So, now I'm ready and I wait. Hate my life today.

**Beating my head against a wall**

So yesterday I got the call that I was approved for my surgery and the soonest apointment they have is December 9th. It's going to take forever to get here. Then today I call COBRA to ask questions about the new plans for 2010 and apparently our payment didn't make it there in time and they cancelled our insurance, even thought the woman my husband talked to said the contrary. So, I had to do a Letter of Appeal. Keeping my fingers crossed and saying prayers.

I need this. I want this surgery so bad. I CANNOT go on like this. My life is stuck. I hate cancelling on friends on the days I don't feel good. I hate not being able to climb my stairs and having to take breaths. I hate not finding chairs I'm comfortable in and then it sets off the Pudendal Neuralgia. I hate not feeling sexy. I hate having to work sex around the times I feel well. I hate the chance that I may not be able to conceive because of my weight.

I HATE MY BODY RIGHT NOW! I'm trapped! Say a prayer to the big guy for me....

(Insurance)Just got paperwork today that my HMO is no longer available. That means that IF I don't have weight loss surgery soon, it may be delayed if the new insurance doesn't cooperate. Really bummed and stressed about it all. Really wish I would've made the decision sooner.

(Luck)If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.- Jim Carrey as Charlie in "Me, Myself & Irene". These words ring so true today.

Weight of the World

I'm not sure how my best friend does it, juggling an infant, a full time job over an hour away and a husband. I can barely do it now and I'm not working and have no children.
Today was one of those days. It started out bad. Our shower head is broken but you can rig it to work, for the most part, this morning it was not cooperating. Should've known this was the precursor for the day. My group info session for a job went well. They're interested in me so I continue on my journey. I also got a call this evening about another possible job lead that I am working on. So, I've got stuff I'm working on.
I've continued to call my doctor's office to see what's going on with the referral I need to start meeting with the weight loss and surgeon and I'm getting nowhere. I'll keep trying. The job I went to the morning may not start until January and IF I can have the surgery before I start, great! Otherwise it will get put off until March-April next year. REALLY bummed if that happens.
My husband went to work and was dropping off some stuff for a friend and our only car died. Of course, we don't have the funds right now for this and EVERYTHING else. Luckily, we have someone who is going to help us out until we can get it all straightened out. Angels everywhere! I swear.
I'm tired, I can't sleep with everything going on in my head. Worried about work, bills, my health and all the other daily crap is just getting to me. I had a good cry though, mascara running down my face, the body cleansing sobs, the whole nine yards.
I'm just very thankful we have friends. I'm not quite sure I could handle all this without them.

New Kids on the Block and Country Music

Haha! In all my excitement, I forgot to mention I finally saw the New Kids the week before I got married. My wonderful other best friend hooked me up with one of her friends who had an extra ticket and my husband gave me the heads up to go. I felt like I was transported back to 1989 and I was 13. I had so much fun and was so greatful to my best friend "B" for remembering my obsession with them. LOL!
I also am super stoked that my best friend "A" now likes country music!!!! So now "A" & "B" best friends, which by the way are their first initials like my stuff! LOL!

Long time, no blog...

I finally have the time and the want to blog again. I took a long break. So much has changed since I was last on here in February. Well, my best friend, who had a baby in 2008, that I was friends with since infancy and I no longer speak. I'm okay with that.
My VERY best friend, who has been wonderfully there throughout it all, had her first baby. A darling little girl who Auntie Bridge LOVES to dote on. I am so fortunate to have her in my life and that my best friend understands my need to be a big part of her life.
I unfortunately lost my job a few weeks after my best friend had her baby. In the end, even though the last 6 months have been rough, it's for the better.
My boyfriend and I, have careful thought, got engaged finally. We decided we didn't want a long courtship so, we got married in Vegas on June 30th by ourselves.
We had a blast. We went to so many places and saw 2 Cirque shows. The roughest parts were the day before I got married, I got an e-mail from my dad saying he and my mom loved me. That was it. I'm not sure if he knew I could check my e-mail from my phone while on vacation, but it tore me up. I wish they could've left well enough alone. When I broke the engagement news to them, neither was excited for me or congratulated us. Then when I talked to my mom a few weeks before I got married, I tried to tell her some of the plans or stuff that was going on and she couldn't be bothered. On the day of my wedding, my aunt/godmother decided to leave me a message asking me if this was really what I wanted and my other aunt left a cryptic message. My second aunt did call after they were able to view my ceremony live from Vegas and said how nice it all was. I spoke with my grandma and grandpa as well. My grandpa actually was the only one who congratulated both me and my husband. Oh well.
Aside from looking for work and going thru various health issues, including breaking my toe AGAIN! I've made the decision to have weight loss surgery. I need it for me. I can't function this was anymore. I feel like I'm trapped inside my body. And I'm SCREAMING to get out. I have gone thru the first step, which is attending an informational meeting at the hospital. Next, I'm waiting for the insurance to go through all the necessary steps. I'm VERY excited.
My husband and best friend have been EXTREMELY supportive. I'm also lucky enough that one of my husband's poker friends, a woman also now my friend, had the surgery almost a year ago. She was close to my size but not quite and basically is half the person she was a year ago. She's been patiently answering my questions and sharing info with me. So, I think with these three AMAZING people I should be okay through it all.
So, now my journey begins.....

Big Girls

I watched the Grammy's on Sunday night. I kind of liked them. It was interesting how they had many different performers on stage singing with others from other genres. That was kind of cool. I think the best performance outside of Jennifer Hudson's was Sugarland's. I love Jennifer Nettles voice. She sounded great when she sang the duet with Adele on "Chasing Pavements". It was nice too seeing both Adele and Jennifer Hudson as plus size girls up there doing their thing.
It's not widely accepted to be a singer and a plus suze girl, unless you were an opera singer. It's refreshing to see Jordin Sparks up there too. They show those chubby little aspiring girls that there is someone out there who looks like them! Back when I was growing up there weren't that many big women out there. Looking back at the styles for plus size girls in the 80's and early 90's, I can probably see why. LOL!
Being that the average size for women today is 14, there are big girls out there everywhere nowadays. But there is still a discrimination out there. It's still accpetable today for people to judge fat people.
Everyday of my life I catch people looking at me. It still phases me at times and I am almost 33 years old. I dress good for my age and size. I've been complimented by older women at my job as well as a gay friend of a friend. If you can get the praise from the older women and men who really don't find women attractive, you got it!
I know I need to lose weight, for my health especially, and I could probably find more choices in a smaller size, but I don't need other people thinking or saying this to me. I don't tell them that they may be stupid and maybe if they went back to school, they would be smarter or if they got their nose fixed, they might be more attractive. I like people for who they are, not what they look like or how smart they are.
Everyone has something to offer. But judging a book by it's cover, may make you miss out on a masterpiece!

Random thoughts

Last week I dragged my poor boyfriend to see Bride Wars. He was one of two men in the entire theater. I felt for him but it was nice that he wanted to take me to the movie. It was a cute romantic comedy and I enjoyed it. One part made me cry. It was when Kate Hudson's character, Liv, was getting prepared to walk down the aisle and the father of Anne Hathaway's character, Emma, came to tell Liv how proud he was of her and how he wished his good friend's, Liv's parents were here with her on the special day. It brought a tear to my eye because I realized my parents would not be there when I get married.
They're not dead, we just don't speak, we're estranged. They don't like my boyfriend. He and my dad got into a verbal fight on Christmas 2007. It's just escalated from there. My siblings have gotten involved and made it ten times worse. It makes for interesting holidays.
Anyway back to the movie, I didn't expect to be moved so much by the movie, but it made me a little sad. But I knew that just like Liv, I could be strong and move forward with life. I think the saying goes, you can pick your friends but not your family.
Then the commercial that always gets me was the one for I think it is Lexus cars. The kid is all excited about getting a big wheel for Christmas and you see him cruising down the street and he is beside himself with joy. I used to remember as a little girl riding my big wheel with my cousin and my sister at my grandma's house. this happens to be the mother of my father, who decided to keep peace to not invite me to Christmas Eve for the second time in my life. The first time was back in 1999, because of another man I was dating. They didn't agree with his race. But my boyfriend currently is the same race as me, she probably didn't want to rock the boat because of my dad. I think she felt bad when I called her to thank her for the gifts she mailed to both of us. I understand from her point, but it still hurt.
I think that's why in recent years I hate the holidays. We didn't put up a tree this year. We weren't even going to go to my mom's side of the family, if my grandpa had not called me very upset and crying. I did have my heart set on just staying home and it just being another day. We did make the most out of Christmas Eve and had one of our favorite foods. Nothing says Christmas Eve like HOOTERS! Now every time we eat Hooters, I'm reminded of the nice night my boyfriend tried to make for me on Christmas Eve.
It's funny that he is my family now. Him and our dogs. And all of my friends. I couldn't have asked for a better family now. My friends invite us over for their kids birthdays and their family celebrations. I feel included by them and no I can count on them for anything.
My boyfriend is my rock. He tells it like it is and stands up for me and challenges me. He has taken me places I would have never thought about going to or doing. We've been to numerous cities that I've only heard about. He rents me movies that he knows I would like and suprises me with them. He'll bring home flowers just because. It's the little things he does for me that make me love him more each day.
My dogs are like my babies. They love me unconditionally and make me feel like the best person in the world. They don't care what kind of car we drive. They just want to go for a ride in it. They don't care what kind of clothes I wear, they just like to lay on them when I am geting ready or when I undress. It doesn't matter where we live, just that I am there with them. That's unconditional love. I hope someday I am blessed to have a child that will think of me the same way.
That's the same way I used to see my parents growing up. I loved my parents because they were MY parents and not for any other reason. It didn't phase me that we lived in an apartment or that we never went on vacation. i was just happy to see them at my softball games and girl scout meetings and choir concerts. i would not have traded that for anything.
I can't wait to be the person waving at my child one day from the stands and know that miracle is my family....