Secrets

Lately I've been feeling like I am the keeper of everyone's secrets. I'm ok with that but sometimes it can be overwhelming. I mean, I'm glad so many people trust me and feel that comfortable but there are some secrets I've been trusted with that I can tell no one. I trust my husband without a doubt but some people have even asked me to keep him out of the loop. As heavily as it weighs on me, I will honor their wishes. I know who's cheating on their spouse and with whom, I know who is comtemplating cheating, I know who had a pregnancy scare (and it may not have been with their spouse), I know who has an alcohol and or drug problem, I know who's been beaten by their spouse, I know who is going through mental or emotional issues. I know it all. The probelm is that all of those secrets I know apply to not just one person, but multiple
people and that breaks my heart. I try to be as strong as I can for my friends and continue to pray for them daily.

Secrets are hard sometimes. Growing up my family kept many secrets. They were ashamed to fall out of the high regard people had for them, which was falsely attained. Alcoholism runs in my family, I try not to drink often, if at all because of it. Growing up I thought it was normal for your dad to come home and have 5 or 6 beers after work. I thought it was normal to fear your dad going up after dinner, taking a shower and coming down a different person. My brother and I, as adults referred to it as the "bi-polar shower". You never knew if th laid back cool dad was coming down or the one who would throw things, yell, bully you, call you all names and at times push you around. We grew up fearing our father. It took me a long time to realize this wasn't normal. Even years later it still scares me. My dad got so bad one night he threw me against a wall and broke my gold chain. I called friends to come get me and I ran out of the house to wait for them on the next block. My dad chased me out of the house and I told him to "Fuck Off". He grabbed me and tried to make me to stay and begged me to forgive him. It was then he told me and only me he had a drinking problem. I told him I would help him but I needed to leave for the time. My friends came and got me and I called my mom to inform her I was staying overnight. I was informed over her dead body and to return home. I dutifully did. The next day I tried to sit down with my parents and discussed what my dad told me and they told me I was lying, making it up. They then proceeded to do what they did best, sweep it under the rug and ignore it. That's the way they dealt with everything.

When I was raped at 16, I kept the secret from them until they overheard me talking to someone else about it. It my teenage brain, my rapist telling me that he would kill me and my family if I told, was true. I kept the secret to protect them. Once they found out, we called the police and followed the channels. It was NEVER spoken of again until years later. I was a virgin when it happened. I thought in my parents eyes, I was dirty. I had fallen in their eyes, although due to no fault of my own. The only other tines it was talked about was when my mom asked me years later if I had lied about it and again if that occurance is what led to me being fat. Nice. Gotta love that. I didn't speak to a counselor about any of this until many years later and realize how messed up my childhood had been.

I am very open with my husband and the majority of my friends but have a hard time opening up because of my family. I plan on being very open with my children. I won't sweep things under the rug, they don't get fixed that way. The only secret I plan on keeping from them for many years is if there really is a Santa Claus. I pray that's the only one I ever have to keep.

As for my friends, you're secret is safe with me. I'll do what I can to support you and help you along the way. I hope there comes a day when you can address those secrets but until then, kmaljdhfurojdudjuewoy. My lips are zipped!

2010

Here's hoping lots of good things are to come this year! I keep applying for more jobs and I've been networking a bit and hoping to drum up some leads. Although my contigent job offer did say possibly March I could start.
My husband bought the Nintendo Wii along with the Wii Fit for me. I want to try and get healthier. As much as I can before I get the whole weight loss surgery taken care of.
I've started to not only make some new friends through poker but also started to renew some old ones. You can never have enough friends! No matter how far away they are! Anyone is just a call, text, e-mail or Facebook message away!
I've been married six months now and I'm incredibly happy. My hubby is my best friend. I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him. I look forward to completing the first year of marriage.
I have been feeling a bit better lately but the PN does flare up occasionally. Hope it dies down soon.
This year is looking promising!

Christmas

Somehow I made it thru Christmas in one piece. Not without a few tears of course. Thank God my husband understands. He completely surprised me by taking me out on Christmas Eve. We went to get presents for our animals and he took me to one of my favorite restaurants, Maggiano's for dinner. He even took me shopping and bought me two sweaters and a pair of pants. I think he really tried to make it special because it was our first Christmas as husband and wife. As he was holding my hand walking into the mall he turned to me and said he was so happy to be married to me and what a great ride it's been so far. I know neither of us are perfect but it meant a lot to me. He's a pretty manly guy and doesn't get too mushy usually. Today he made sure to get us two "Our First Christmas 2009" ornaments. We couldn't find any on Christmas Eve but he found them today. He apologized that he bought them on sale! Silly goose! That stuff doesn't matter to me. It's the little things. I don't need the fancy jewelry or luxurious vacations. I love that if he sees a book or movie he thinks I'll like, he'll get it for me. I'm just happy he thinks of me. I'm not a materialistic person, never have been. He knows this. Just the fact that he puts thought into things matters. He knew I needed to be busy on Christmas Eve and got me out of the house and my mind off things. I'm not sure how far in advance he planned it or if me getting only two hours of sleep and crying my eyes out that morning started the wheels turning. Doesn't matter. Matters that I was with him and we had a great day. Christmas Day was okay too. I woke up with a cold and he let me sleep in instead of cooking breakfast like I had planned. My friend was kind enough to open her family celebration to us, seeing as no family members wanted us around. Their loss. Although I did send both sets of grandparents a Christmas card and wrote inside that no matter what I loved them regardless. I think it should've gotten there on Christmas Eve. But I was with my love so we could've been anywhere and had fun. Next year I hope to be a little strongr and less weepy but who knows. Thank you baby for being my hero.

(Had a Bad Day-Part 3)My self-esteem is really taking a hit by continually getting turned down for jobs. I gotta keep pressing on. I want this surgery bad. I want a job to feel normal again. We need the money and health insurance. Plus it will get me out of the house so I don't sit here stewing all day. So let's hope Wednesday's interview goes better. I know I'll be praying it does.

(Had a Bad Day-Part 2)So hubby reminds me of the old hair dryer we kept to use on the dogs after baths. Well, he could've blown on my hair and it would've dried faster. Get to the interview with semi damp hair and ROCKED the assessment. Did the interview and the way it went seemed positive but I had a REALLY weird feeling about it. Got an email about 2 hours after I left saying they decided to go with another candidate. I cried my eyes out.

(Had a Bad Day- Part 1)Laugh every time I hear that song but today it applied. Wasn't feeling good all day yesterday and didn't really sleep last night. My husband tried to get me to reschedule my interview this a.m. because he knew I felt bad. I refused even though he told me he thought they were gonna jerk me around like they did to him. I wanted to push myself and go so I got ready to go. Drying my hair and the motor in the dryer blows.

(Some Good News)I have two job interviews next week! Very happy about that. Tuesday I finally played Poker in the free tournament my hubby and best friend do every week. They both were so helpful and patient with me. I ended up finishing in the Top 20. I was proud of myself. No word on the insurance or surgery yet, so I wait. Earlier my hubby told me how much he loved me and loved me no what. I started to cry because he really meant it.