Long time, no blog...

I finally have the time and the want to blog again. I took a long break. So much has changed since I was last on here in February. Well, my best friend, who had a baby in 2008, that I was friends with since infancy and I no longer speak. I'm okay with that.
My VERY best friend, who has been wonderfully there throughout it all, had her first baby. A darling little girl who Auntie Bridge LOVES to dote on. I am so fortunate to have her in my life and that my best friend understands my need to be a big part of her life.
I unfortunately lost my job a few weeks after my best friend had her baby. In the end, even though the last 6 months have been rough, it's for the better.
My boyfriend and I, have careful thought, got engaged finally. We decided we didn't want a long courtship so, we got married in Vegas on June 30th by ourselves.
We had a blast. We went to so many places and saw 2 Cirque shows. The roughest parts were the day before I got married, I got an e-mail from my dad saying he and my mom loved me. That was it. I'm not sure if he knew I could check my e-mail from my phone while on vacation, but it tore me up. I wish they could've left well enough alone. When I broke the engagement news to them, neither was excited for me or congratulated us. Then when I talked to my mom a few weeks before I got married, I tried to tell her some of the plans or stuff that was going on and she couldn't be bothered. On the day of my wedding, my aunt/godmother decided to leave me a message asking me if this was really what I wanted and my other aunt left a cryptic message. My second aunt did call after they were able to view my ceremony live from Vegas and said how nice it all was. I spoke with my grandma and grandpa as well. My grandpa actually was the only one who congratulated both me and my husband. Oh well.
Aside from looking for work and going thru various health issues, including breaking my toe AGAIN! I've made the decision to have weight loss surgery. I need it for me. I can't function this was anymore. I feel like I'm trapped inside my body. And I'm SCREAMING to get out. I have gone thru the first step, which is attending an informational meeting at the hospital. Next, I'm waiting for the insurance to go through all the necessary steps. I'm VERY excited.
My husband and best friend have been EXTREMELY supportive. I'm also lucky enough that one of my husband's poker friends, a woman also now my friend, had the surgery almost a year ago. She was close to my size but not quite and basically is half the person she was a year ago. She's been patiently answering my questions and sharing info with me. So, I think with these three AMAZING people I should be okay through it all.
So, now my journey begins.....

Big Girls

I watched the Grammy's on Sunday night. I kind of liked them. It was interesting how they had many different performers on stage singing with others from other genres. That was kind of cool. I think the best performance outside of Jennifer Hudson's was Sugarland's. I love Jennifer Nettles voice. She sounded great when she sang the duet with Adele on "Chasing Pavements". It was nice too seeing both Adele and Jennifer Hudson as plus size girls up there doing their thing.
It's not widely accepted to be a singer and a plus suze girl, unless you were an opera singer. It's refreshing to see Jordin Sparks up there too. They show those chubby little aspiring girls that there is someone out there who looks like them! Back when I was growing up there weren't that many big women out there. Looking back at the styles for plus size girls in the 80's and early 90's, I can probably see why. LOL!
Being that the average size for women today is 14, there are big girls out there everywhere nowadays. But there is still a discrimination out there. It's still accpetable today for people to judge fat people.
Everyday of my life I catch people looking at me. It still phases me at times and I am almost 33 years old. I dress good for my age and size. I've been complimented by older women at my job as well as a gay friend of a friend. If you can get the praise from the older women and men who really don't find women attractive, you got it!
I know I need to lose weight, for my health especially, and I could probably find more choices in a smaller size, but I don't need other people thinking or saying this to me. I don't tell them that they may be stupid and maybe if they went back to school, they would be smarter or if they got their nose fixed, they might be more attractive. I like people for who they are, not what they look like or how smart they are.
Everyone has something to offer. But judging a book by it's cover, may make you miss out on a masterpiece!

Random thoughts

Last week I dragged my poor boyfriend to see Bride Wars. He was one of two men in the entire theater. I felt for him but it was nice that he wanted to take me to the movie. It was a cute romantic comedy and I enjoyed it. One part made me cry. It was when Kate Hudson's character, Liv, was getting prepared to walk down the aisle and the father of Anne Hathaway's character, Emma, came to tell Liv how proud he was of her and how he wished his good friend's, Liv's parents were here with her on the special day. It brought a tear to my eye because I realized my parents would not be there when I get married.
They're not dead, we just don't speak, we're estranged. They don't like my boyfriend. He and my dad got into a verbal fight on Christmas 2007. It's just escalated from there. My siblings have gotten involved and made it ten times worse. It makes for interesting holidays.
Anyway back to the movie, I didn't expect to be moved so much by the movie, but it made me a little sad. But I knew that just like Liv, I could be strong and move forward with life. I think the saying goes, you can pick your friends but not your family.
Then the commercial that always gets me was the one for I think it is Lexus cars. The kid is all excited about getting a big wheel for Christmas and you see him cruising down the street and he is beside himself with joy. I used to remember as a little girl riding my big wheel with my cousin and my sister at my grandma's house. this happens to be the mother of my father, who decided to keep peace to not invite me to Christmas Eve for the second time in my life. The first time was back in 1999, because of another man I was dating. They didn't agree with his race. But my boyfriend currently is the same race as me, she probably didn't want to rock the boat because of my dad. I think she felt bad when I called her to thank her for the gifts she mailed to both of us. I understand from her point, but it still hurt.
I think that's why in recent years I hate the holidays. We didn't put up a tree this year. We weren't even going to go to my mom's side of the family, if my grandpa had not called me very upset and crying. I did have my heart set on just staying home and it just being another day. We did make the most out of Christmas Eve and had one of our favorite foods. Nothing says Christmas Eve like HOOTERS! Now every time we eat Hooters, I'm reminded of the nice night my boyfriend tried to make for me on Christmas Eve.
It's funny that he is my family now. Him and our dogs. And all of my friends. I couldn't have asked for a better family now. My friends invite us over for their kids birthdays and their family celebrations. I feel included by them and no I can count on them for anything.
My boyfriend is my rock. He tells it like it is and stands up for me and challenges me. He has taken me places I would have never thought about going to or doing. We've been to numerous cities that I've only heard about. He rents me movies that he knows I would like and suprises me with them. He'll bring home flowers just because. It's the little things he does for me that make me love him more each day.
My dogs are like my babies. They love me unconditionally and make me feel like the best person in the world. They don't care what kind of car we drive. They just want to go for a ride in it. They don't care what kind of clothes I wear, they just like to lay on them when I am geting ready or when I undress. It doesn't matter where we live, just that I am there with them. That's unconditional love. I hope someday I am blessed to have a child that will think of me the same way.
That's the same way I used to see my parents growing up. I loved my parents because they were MY parents and not for any other reason. It didn't phase me that we lived in an apartment or that we never went on vacation. i was just happy to see them at my softball games and girl scout meetings and choir concerts. i would not have traded that for anything.
I can't wait to be the person waving at my child one day from the stands and know that miracle is my family....

Concerts

I was talking with a friend today about concerts that I have been to. I've been to some great ones, like Garth Brook's last tour, and I saw Elton John perform with Billy Joel in the dueling pianos show. I have even seen my childhood crushes- New Kids on the Block on four occasions. I've seen Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney and the Dixie Chicks multiple times each. Madonna was the WORST show I have ever been to. I would NEVER waste my money on her again. I've seen Bon Jovi, Creed, Ozzy Osbourne, Carrie Underwood, Janet Jackson, Gretchen Wilson, Big & Rich, Dierks Bentley, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilara, Mariah Carey, Boys 2 Men, 98 Degrees, NSync, Ricky Martin, Chicago with Earth Wind and Fire, Sugarland, Poison and Warrant. I have pretty eclectic taste in music.
The boyfriend teases me because now that New Kids are back on tour, I would LOVE to go see them again. I'd probably see off my right arm to go. I didn't get to see them on the last go around in October 2008, but mark my words, I WILL get there. No matter what it takes. I just take solace in the fact, I am not the only 30 something year old woman who will be there screaming her head off for these four guys I was the first to discover back in 6th grade in 1987-1988. I was the first girl to bring them to my school and tell my friends about them. No one knew who they were. I had seen their picture in a teen magazine and later that day saw them on MTV. I was hooked. I still have a box of memorabilia somewhere.
Who can say they have liked someone that long and still held out hope you would see them perform again?
I was crushed when they did that show a few years ago on VH1 about reuniting the band and Danny declined the invite. Of course the boyfriend laughed like a crazy man but I felt all the wind go out of my sails and almost lost that last glimmer of hope.
When I first heard they were going to be on the Today show earlier this year, I was transformed back into that giddy pre-teen I was 20 or so years ago. I check my DVR system daily to see if it can find any shows with them on it. I've seen them on the Today show twice recently and Rachel Ray as well. I was feeling just like those three girls who were competing for the Ultimate Fan. Deep down, I know I am the best fan!
It's great to feel 12 again, only 20 years later!!!!!

Why I Hate Old Navy and Victoria's Secret

I know why they call it Victoria's Secret...

The secret is anytime someone comes into their store who cannot wear their product, they treat them like crap. I have walked into Victoria's Secret on a number of occasions and not ONCE has anyone EVER asked if I needed help. The thing that aggravates the crap out of me is that I may not necessarily be shopping for myself. I could be shopping for my mother or sister or whoever. The kicker is that I love their beauty products. I wear their perfume and body creams and lip glosses. I have almost gotten to the point that I want to send someone else in to buy my stuff. I hate shopping online because it can be a pain in the booty.

Old Navy associates and customers must be cut from the same cloth. Two weeks ago me and my sweetie went shopping there to look for khaki pants for him. He can fit into their pants and some of their shirts. Every time I go there I get ignored, people walk in front me and no one ever asks if I need help. I can't buy anything there really unless I am shopping for my sweetheart. It just irks the crap out of me.

My sister who wears a size 4 said she gets this treatment when she goes in Lane Bryant shopping for me or my mother. I guess size discrimination happens everywhere.

I think the worst is when other big people critize other big people. My mother is a big proponent of this. She has been plus size for years and constantly told me what I pretty face I had and how much better I would look if I lost weight. I'm the first one to admit I need to lose weight to get heathy. But I think I look good for my size. I dress nice, I wear cute clothes, My hair always looks good and I have great accessories. Many times the older ladies at my company have commented to others and it has gotten back to me their compliments.

But I think because growing up I never thought my mom was anything less than my mom and she was beautiful. That's why I hate that one commercial where the mother said she lost weight because her kid said she was fat. What she needed to do was teach her kid tolerance and to respect other people regardless of their size, race, creed, etc. Then lose the weight for herself.

I have an understanding that sometimes kids say inappropriate things but their parents need to teach them better instead of laughing it off. Bet they would not be laughing if their child was different and others were pointing or making rude comments!

Deep down I think the woman are jealous because I am a big beautiful intelligent freindly FATABULOUS woman!

That's probably why some women could never understand why I always had boyfriends. They did not realize, big women are better lovers! LOL!

I hate being a woman!

I got a call two weeks ago from my gynecologist that my pap smear did not come out so good. I had a bad one two years ago and she did a retest a year later. This time she only wants to wait six months. So I have to go again in January and spread my legs for all my glory to be shown to the world. If your skinny person it's uncomfortable, but when you are a big beautiful Fatabulous girl it is even worse. Try not to tip the table when you are putting your naked curvy booty on the lovely scratchy paper protecting the table. Then try to open your legs as wide as you can while worrying if your boobs are going to fall to the side and hit the floor or if the doctor can get to what she needs while working with all your lucious curves.
I'd rather pull my eye out by sticking a pen in it!!!
Then to make matters worse, I called yesterday with a question and they asked if I was still bleeding despite having the iud. Of course, I was, so I have to go get my blood levels tested. Maybe by levels are low. Who knows? I've been really tired lately but that can be normal for me. So we'll see what happens.

UGH!

Today is one of those days! I feel like a big ball of crap. After two years of trying to figure out why I have been in so much pain on my left side and discovering other medical issues, it was discovered i have two herniated discs in my spine. It took 8 doctors to finally figure that out. i had reached my breaking point and my gyne was at a loss to suggest anything else and finally said she wanted me to go to a pain specialist. My first visit he said he thought my spine was messed up and my discs were out of whack. One MRI later I had two herniated discs at the L3/L4 and L4/L5. So I have undergone three spine treatments that were a combination of medicine injections and shock therapy. I am now functioning at 60%. It's better than it was, thank God! I'm back to work full time finally after being on leave for three months.

But today it is really acting up and I must have ate something bad that is wreaking havoc on my digestive system, because since yesterday I have been worshipping the porcelain goddess frequently. The thing that sucks is I just had some kind of flu two weeks ago.

And on top of that, even though I have had my Mirena IUD going on 9 months, I still have my period. It stopped for awhile after the doctor discovered it was not providing enough hormones and I now take a hormone pill daily. She wanted to know at my last visit 4 weeks ago if I came off the hormone if I would start bleeding again. The answer is YES! I forgot to get my medicine filled in time and went a few days without it and almost 5 weeks later I still have a period daily. I was so getting used to not using pads or other methods of contraception. I'm thinking if it does not stop soon, I'll need to call her back to see what we need to do to get this stopped.

I'm tired of feeling sick and tired.