Fatabulous1

Alone

2010-02-28T21:25:00.000-06:00

I feel very alone lately. I almost want to walk around like Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire when she says, "Alone. Alone, alone, alone". That's how I feel.
I know I have my husband but only a few friends. And they're so busy with their own lives that I don't wanna be needy and clingy. But I feel like I'm floating in the ocean waiting for someone to throw me a life preserver or catch me up in their net. I usually am not one to be coddled but I almost feel like I want that.
I'm jealous that the hubby has made so many new friends through Poker and the ones I made turned out bad. I know I'm at a disadvantage because not many women play poker but I'm not even sure where to go to even make more friends. I mean, sure I'm friendly with two of our poker friends' wives but it's not like I can ask them to go shopping or dinner. I don't know them that well.
It's only going to get worse when I start working my permanent schedule. My off days are Tuesday and Wednesday. Those also happen to be the days we play poker. Hubby already said he would figure something out because that will techniically be MY weekend and I want to be able to do things and spend time with him. But on the weekends he'll be able to do whatever until it's time to pick me up.
Part of me wants to scream somebody like me and want to be my friend, please! But it doesn't work that way.
Maybe I'm just having a pity party for myself today. I don't feel good and the pain's overtaking me.
I like the new job and made a "friend" but she's a little older and foreign, so I know we have a lot of differences and probably wouldn't be much else. But it's a start.
As for family, I know those ties will never be fixed. I made my decision and while I would do it again a million times over, I wish they saw my husband for how good he is to me and hom much he loves, cares for and adores me. I know he'll do the same for our child/children someday and that's what matters most to me. I love my family and wish them the best but that's it. I just wish the nightmares/dreams I keep having about them doing me and my husband harm would stop. I have some dreams where they tell me why they never loved me. Those are the hard ones. I usually wake up crying. This week I had two in a row in the same night. Eventually I hope they go away.
For now I deal. I push forward and put my energy into my new job, my hubby and animals and poker. Right now it's all I can handle.

The Rainbow After the Storm

2010-02-21T00:40:00.000-06:00

Last night was a REALLY bad night. The hubby and I fought pretty bad. Almost to the point he wasn't willing to forgive me and try to work past it all. I don't blame him, I was mean, meaner than normal.
I tried apologizing last night to no avail and just went to bed alone finally. After I had laid there for a bit I felt weird and went into the bathroom. Strangely enough there was blood on my underwear and not the "Time of the Month" kind, because it was already that time. But right there near the waistband, two spots of blood. Oh no, not again.
Sure enough, my bellybutton was bleeding and infected AGAIN! Yup, it happens every so often, ever since I had an ovarian cyst removed like ten years ago. But this time it's worse. It HURTS. Like I'm worried it's a couple different scenarios. 1) I have a hernia that's pushing on the scar tissue and causing the inner scar to bleed. (A hernia is not very visible on larger people) 2)I have endometriosis that's running rampant inside and it's pushing on it all or 3)I have a PCOS Cyst that's wreaking havoc EVERYWHERE.
The problem is, until our insurance kicks in after 60 days, we'll have no clue what it is. Until then I pray, keep it clean and covered and wait. Last time it got bad, I ended up on IV's in the hospital.
Throughout this Joe's been very good about it. When we were walking today he wouldn't let me carry/lift anything while shopping. And he won't let me lift the dogs right now.
Those are some of the reasons why I have to think before I speak and not be so mean. I realized what life may be like without him and it scared me.
We had such a nice day today and I know he knew I was trying to make amends as was he. He even held my hand as he drove which he usually doesn't like to do, especially when it's snowing out.
Now, I start my new job and I'm geeking myself up for it. Let's hope all goes well on Monday. I'm nervous and anxious. Let's hope this is the pot of gold....

Good Day

2010-02-08T01:12:00.000-06:00

Today was a good day overall. The hubby and I went grocery shopping, then had breakfast with a good friend. Afterwards he dropped me off at home to rest and he went to a poker tournament. This afternoon we went to my other bestie's house for her annual Super Bowl party. We had such a nice time.
Because of her crazy hectic life, between work, three kids, running a barn and teaching riding lessons, I'm lucky to get a return text sometimes. Lol! But being there with her and her family put things into perspective for me.
I only need the people around me who are a good influence. Not that I give into peer pressure but I need friends with similar values as me. The people that value not only themselves but their friends and relationships.
We had a pretty in depth conversation about marriage/relationships and how much work they are. But the hard work is well worth it in the end. The end result is the best grand prize ever.
I know that regardless of what happens, some people cannot make a marriage work and that people make mistakes and I can respect those that admit their faults. The ones I cannot respect are the people who think marriage is disposable and like to play games with it. That goes against the vows I said in front of God, the reverend and my husband.
Marriage isn't about what kind of house you kive in or what kind of car you drive, it's about the relationship you have with your spouse and the example you set for your children. Right now as much as I would LOVE to have a baby, I'm almost glad we have some time to sort through this whole marriage thing.
I still get the little flutter in my tummy when someone asks my last name and I remember I have a new one or I refer to myself as Mrs. It took a LONG time to get here and we've been through more than people in their lifetimes have gone through but we made it. And I want people around who think the same way.
I know no one is perfect and I will love them regardless but the friends I have recently separated myself from were not good for me. They played life as if it were a game and in their sick minds they made us all pawns in the game. I don't play well in those type of games. I don't enjoy watching people get hurt. That hurts me. Yes, I'm a little more sensitive then most and as my hubby and other bestie pointed out half joking/half serious that I tend to find or look for the best in people almost to a fault.
They're right of course. I open my heart too quickly at times and have a hard time closing it on some at times. That's why I'm glad my hubby will step in when need be to protect me.
That's what marriage is about. Holding each other's hands and supporting each other. Friendship is the same way. I know I'm not a perfect friend by any means but I try my best daily to be. I may take awhile to return a text or have to cancel last minute when I'm not feeling well, but keep in mind as disappointed as you may be that I had to cancel, I'm doubly disappointed. That's why when I can I push myself whenever possible.
Wheb I go back to work it may be harder to do things or get together but I will try my best. And that goes not only for friends but my own husband.
I fear all the time he may just one day and turn to me and say, "I just can't do this". But as he points out to me when I voice my concerns, our vows said for better OR worse. He knows there may be a week where I can go go go and the next I'm no good but he works with me.
That's what friendship and relationships are all about. The work you put into it. The payoff is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...

Crazy

2010-02-04T21:18:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a crazy insane day. It was completely overwhelming. Outside of ongoing drama from our poker group, when we arrived at our usual place to play to eat beforehand, my parents were there. I didn't know at first they were there. My husband saw them first. He ushered me quickly into the bar area so as not to see them sitting in the restaurant area. He didn't want me to see them and be hurt. He already knew I was on edge because of all the drama. I sat with my back to the door the entire time. My hubby could see them and they could see him. I'm glad I didn't see them. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing the pain on my face. I tried to put a brave face on for my hubby. I think deep down he knew. He knows me almost better than I know myself. I hoped for a glimmer of a second that they might suck up their pride and just come in to say hi. But I knew it wouldn't happen. Maybe someday. Maybe.
The drama in the poker group has hit an all time high. I was informed the night before last that I was a horrible friend and couldn't be trusted. That I wasn't loyal and liked to play games. I was heartbroken. I had been nothing but a good friend to her. I was supportive to her in every way possible. I tried so hard to help her and apparently in her eyes, I failed. It floored me.
I've had the same best friend for almost 20 years. Granted we've had our ups and downs but we're still as close as could be. My other best friend I've had for almost twelve years and we've never had a fight. My husband makes fun of the conversations we have because start one, go to another and go back to the first topic. I love both of my best friends' daughters like they are my own nieces. I just didn't get it.
I also have a close friend who lives very far away that understands me so well that it's amazing, even though we lost touch for many years. These three women show me what true friendship is like. Even though I don't see them as often as I'd like I know they're there no matter what and accept me as is faults and all.
I'd rather have a few close friends than many lousy ones.
I realized this all today after having what my friend refers to as an ugly cry. I was all red puffy eyed, snot running out my nose, all choked up telling my husband about this and he told me I was better than the lousy friend. I
It hurts but I'm getting over it all. I have to.

3 A.M.

2010-02-01T03:56:00.000-06:00

A good friend of mine who also blogs uses song titles as her blog posts and the sonh 3 A.M. By Matchbox 20 was appropriate for this entry. Thanks for the inspiration sweetie!
There's a line that says, "It's 3 A.M. It must be morning." Well, yes it is 3 in the morning and my wonderful husband just had to run to our friend's house and get me medicine for my neubulizer (breathing) machine for asthma. My medicine was expired amd I apparently I threw it out. My lungs were extremely tight and my expired inhaler wasn't cutting it. I had noticed lately I was wheezing more than normal and my chest was tight lately, I chalked it up to the cold weather. Then the other day I had a really bad coughing fit in the shower, almost to the point of passing out. Scared both of us but I figured it was a fluke until it happened again. This time I was just sitting on the couch and laughing.
Red flag went off in my head. Started to panic, probably exacerbating the situation. I tried hot beverages. Nothing. Tried the recently expired inhaler. Nothing.
Sent my girlfriend a text because her son also uses a breathing machine and asked her what the name of the medicine you use with the machine was so I could call the doctor and get a prescription. She also went to nursing school, so I figured she'd be a big help.
She turned out to be a bigger help than I thought. Turns out her son and I take the same medicine and she could give me 4 vials to get me through the next day or so. I was/am eternally grateful.
My poor husband, who was almost asleep on the couch, but was fighting sleep to try and keep me company just in case we needed to go to the E.R., ran out to get me the medicine at, you guessed it, 3 A.M.
He was so good about it. No complaints. Think he stayed very calm so as not to set me off on a tailspin. Plus, without insurance, the ER visit would've buried us.
People wonder why I'm for a better healthcare system and this is an example of why. For the two of us monthly the insurance is $1200. I bring home $1000 in unemployment. So after rent, car payment, car/rental insurance, groceries and utilities, even including my husband's pay, we're stretched thin. We even put off getting our satellite fixed and don't have tv until my free cable through my new job kicks in. It's ridiculous.
I've read articles where they say after luxuries, the first thing people eliminate when they have money problems is health insurance! That's sick. We shouldn't have to do that! We're one of the wealthiest countries in the world and millions are still without proper/adequate health care! Ridiculous.
It's sad that I pray nightly that neither of us gets seriously ill because we couldn't afford it. Something needs to change in the healthcare industry and fast. Luckily 60 days after I start my job, we'll have health insurance. So let's pray for the next 11 weeks, we have no major issues.

Jealousy

2010-01-28T15:53:00.000-06:00

By nature I am not a jealous person. Very seldom do I let the green eyed monster get the best of me but today it has.
I logged into Facebook like I do EVERY day usually multiple times a day and there in not one but TWO Facebook friends' statuses they announced they were expecting. That brings the current total to 7 and rising daily. I should probably expect it, we are all married and in our child bearing years but every time I read/hear it my little blue eyes turn green. I wanna scream, "Good fuckin' for you!" But I bite my tongue or at least control my fingers and send a message of congratulations. Tell them what a blessing it is and how happy I am for them. Inside a little part of my heart weeps. I want to be the one getting the congratulations. I want people to ask me what names me and my husband are thinking about. But not now.
I've ALWAYS wanted to have children. Despite what my mother and sisters' thought, I think I'd be good at it. I mean I know I can't keep a plant alive but my animals are alive and thriving and a baby needs attention. A plant needs water and occasional sun light, it's not crying because it needs/wants those things. Plus you can sometimes even revive the most brown leaves.
I know right now is not the right time for my husband and I. My body would not allow me to get pregnant. I don't even get periods monthly anymore. The last one I had was in August and it lasted almost 6 weeks. Until I have the weight loss surgery, it will never happen. It would be dangerous at this point too. For both me and the baby.
So I wait. I try to stay positive and let it be my long term goal for our future. It will happen. God's plan includes it.
Until then I will continue to put on that happy face and try not to get choked up when we walk in Babies R Us and buy another little outfit with my understanding husband holding my hand the whole time.

The Invention of Lying

2010-01-24T02:21:00.000-06:00

Tonight I watched the movie The Invention of Lying. It was good, I really liked it. It kind of touched a cord with me, because I was the chubby kid growing up. I was everyone's friend but not the pretty girl. I think in grade school I was popular. I played sports and was in student council but secretly I wanted to be the girl all the boys wanted to kiss. That never happened.

I didn't have my first kiss or first date until freshmen year of high school. It wasn't what imagined. For the next two years I was just average in high school. I was friends with everyone but not popular by any means. Sophomore year, one of the guy friends I met convinced his friend to take me to homecoming. My date ditched me at the dance for a pretty freshman. Somehow this guy friend I met, who was popular became my best friend and eventually we dated. Still not sure to this day how that happened.

No matter what happened I was always the chubby girl that was everyone's friend. No one lusted after me. I was the one they copied off of in class or told the joke to. I was the pal. It hurt back then but ultimately made me a stronger person.

Fast foward ten years from the Sophomore homecoming dance that I was ditched at, I get set up with this guy on a blind date. We talked on the phone quite a few times before we actually met. I of course made sure he knew I was a plus size girl, I just didn't tell him how plus size. I picked him up for our fist date and off we went. When I picked him up, all I kept thinking was please don't let him be a dork. He wasn't. He was a little shorter than a thought and missing a little more hair than I imagined but overall he was cute. I didn't realize until a week or so ago that he almost jumped out of the car and ran because I had lied a little about my weight. For some reason he was able to overlook that and gave the date a chance. I'm so glad he did. There are times I think, like Ricky Gervais' character, Mark, in the movie, that he like, Jennifer Garner's character, Anna, is way out of my league. I'm sure when people see us, they think the same thing. I've seen other smaller plus size girls give him a look. He knows it too. But what they don't see is the love. They only judge the physical outward experience, the same thing them themselves fight against stereotyping everyday. I know we look like an odd couple at times. But we embrace each other's souls. We enjoy the laughter and the time we have together. Screw the outside world. My husband took a chance on me, like Anna did on Mark in the movie. She wanted ultimately to be happy and be with her best friend.

I'm with my best friend. I can count on him to be there thru thick and thin (and I'm not just talking about weight either). He's my champion. He'll stand up for me and pick me up when I'm down, or at least when I fall outside Tiger's Stadium on the ice, lol!

We joke that our motto is: You and Me Against the World. At times it really seems like that. But we stay open with each other and risk hurting each other to keep our marriage honest. Sure I'll lie that his hair may not be thinning as quickly as it really is and he might tell me that I'm a good housewife, which I KNOW he's lying then! I'm a horrible housewife. But I fill our home with love. I may leave a phrase on the mirror for him to discover in the steam from his shower or text him something sweet. Or he may bring me home a book he thought I would like or pick up dinner from my favorite local restaurant. It's the little things. Those are the things those people who judge us don't see. They don't know the dozens of football games I sat thru with him when we first started dating, him not knowing I didn't like football. I have grown to love it and now it's something we share. Go Cowboys! Or the country concerts he's taken me to, knowing he is so not a big fan of country. Amazingly though the other day he came home to tell me he accidentally turned on a country station in the car and was proud of himself that he identified the singer. Maybe I'll convert him yet.

What people fail to realize is looks fade. When you're old, everyone has wrinkles, can't hear and wears glasses. Well, I plan on having my completely bald husband sitting next to his saggy boobed wife!

When I'm lucky enough to have weight loss surgery, my body will change, but my husband will still see the same person he fell in love with. The one who washes his glasses for him before we leave to go out. Those are the things that count....

Angry

2010-01-19T00:21:00.000-06:00

U ever have those days where you're mad at the world? Well, I'm mad. I feel gipped. I feel abandoned. Angry. Fooled. Tricked. I was taught your family was supposed to love you unconditionally. It was supposed to come with the territory. How stupid I was?

Love? There are strings attached. You must make this much money. You have to look this way. You must weigh this much to be accepted and not have your family be embarrassed to be around you or seen with you. You have to marry who they think is suitable. Whatever.

I wasn't embarrassed because my dad kinda resembled Buddy Holly. I didn't love my mom any less because she was bigger than some of the other kids' moms. The thought NEVER even entered my mind. I loved her because she was my Girl Scout leader and tried to throw me a surprise 14th birthday party. My sisters were a pain but I loved them. Still do. The one person I miss the most is my brother. I loved him best. He knew it. He was my baby. I would do anything for him. From the moment he came home from the hospital when I was 8 1/2. I fell head over heels. Whatever he needed or wanted he got. That's probably why he didn't talk until he was two. He pointed and I jumped. I get that he has to stay in the good graces with the rest of them and as a result, has cut me out too. But there are times the phone rings and I wish it were him on the other line. He was my buddy. We'd go to concerts and baseball games together. We did a lot together and I miss that. He and my husband did a lot together too and deep down I think he was hurt by it a little too. He saw that, even though, they did things together my other sisters' husbands started getting treated better. It sucked.

I know as time moves on, little by little, it will hurt less that they don't want to be a part of my life or accept my marriage or my husband. My brain acknowledges that. I just wish my heart would...

Secrets

2010-01-17T23:59:00.000-06:00

Lately I've been feeling like I am the keeper of everyone's secrets. I'm ok with that but sometimes it can be overwhelming. I mean, I'm glad so many people trust me and feel that comfortable but there are some secrets I've been trusted with that I can tell no one. I trust my husband without a doubt but some people have even asked me to keep him out of the loop. As heavily as it weighs on me, I will honor their wishes. I know who's cheating on their spouse and with whom, I know who is comtemplating cheating, I know who had a pregnancy scare (and it may not have been with their spouse), I know who has an alcohol and or drug problem, I know who's been beaten by their spouse, I know who is going through mental or emotional issues. I know it all. The probelm is that all of those secrets I know apply to not just one person, but multiple
people and that breaks my heart. I try to be as strong as I can for my friends and continue to pray for them daily.

Secrets are hard sometimes. Growing up my family kept many secrets. They were ashamed to fall out of the high regard people had for them, which was falsely attained. Alcoholism runs in my family, I try not to drink often, if at all because of it. Growing up I thought it was normal for your dad to come home and have 5 or 6 beers after work. I thought it was normal to fear your dad going up after dinner, taking a shower and coming down a different person. My brother and I, as adults referred to it as the "bi-polar shower". You never knew if th laid back cool dad was coming down or the one who would throw things, yell, bully you, call you all names and at times push you around. We grew up fearing our father. It took me a long time to realize this wasn't normal. Even years later it still scares me. My dad got so bad one night he threw me against a wall and broke my gold chain. I called friends to come get me and I ran out of the house to wait for them on the next block. My dad chased me out of the house and I told him to "Fuck Off". He grabbed me and tried to make me to stay and begged me to forgive him. It was then he told me and only me he had a drinking problem. I told him I would help him but I needed to leave for the time. My friends came and got me and I called my mom to inform her I was staying overnight. I was informed over her dead body and to return home. I dutifully did. The next day I tried to sit down with my parents and discussed what my dad told me and they told me I was lying, making it up. They then proceeded to do what they did best, sweep it under the rug and ignore it. That's the way they dealt with everything.

When I was raped at 16, I kept the secret from them until they overheard me talking to someone else about it. It my teenage brain, my rapist telling me that he would kill me and my family if I told, was true. I kept the secret to protect them. Once they found out, we called the police and followed the channels. It was NEVER spoken of again until years later. I was a virgin when it happened. I thought in my parents eyes, I was dirty. I had fallen in their eyes, although due to no fault of my own. The only other tines it was talked about was when my mom asked me years later if I had lied about it and again if that occurance is what led to me being fat. Nice. Gotta love that. I didn't speak to a counselor about any of this until many years later and realize how messed up my childhood had been.

I am very open with my husband and the majority of my friends but have a hard time opening up because of my family. I plan on being very open with my children. I won't sweep things under the rug, they don't get fixed that way. The only secret I plan on keeping from them for many years is if there really is a Santa Claus. I pray that's the only one I ever have to keep.

As for my friends, you're secret is safe with me. I'll do what I can to support you and help you along the way. I hope there comes a day when you can address those secrets but until then, kmaljdhfurojdudjuewoy. My lips are zipped!

2010

2010-01-08T00:32:00.000-06:00

Here's hoping lots of good things are to come this year! I keep applying for more jobs and I've been networking a bit and hoping to drum up some leads. Although my contigent job offer did say possibly March I could start.
My husband bought the Nintendo Wii along with the Wii Fit for me. I want to try and get healthier. As much as I can before I get the whole weight loss surgery taken care of.
I've started to not only make some new friends through poker but also started to renew some old ones. You can never have enough friends! No matter how far away they are! Anyone is just a call, text, e-mail or Facebook message away!
I've been married six months now and I'm incredibly happy. My hubby is my best friend. I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him. I look forward to completing the first year of marriage.
I have been feeling a bit better lately but the PN does flare up occasionally. Hope it dies down soon.
This year is looking promising!

Christmas

2009-12-27T03:04:00.000-06:00

Somehow I made it thru Christmas in one piece. Not without a few tears of course. Thank God my husband understands. He completely surprised me by taking me out on Christmas Eve. We went to get presents for our animals and he took me to one of my favorite restaurants, Maggiano's for dinner. He even took me shopping and bought me two sweaters and a pair of pants. I think he really tried to make it special because it was our first Christmas as husband and wife. As he was holding my hand walking into the mall he turned to me and said he was so happy to be married to me and what a great ride it's been so far. I know neither of us are perfect but it meant a lot to me. He's a pretty manly guy and doesn't get too mushy usually. Today he made sure to get us two "Our First Christmas 2009" ornaments. We couldn't find any on Christmas Eve but he found them today. He apologized that he bought them on sale! Silly goose! That stuff doesn't matter to me. It's the little things. I don't need the fancy jewelry or luxurious vacations. I love that if he sees a book or movie he thinks I'll like, he'll get it for me. I'm just happy he thinks of me. I'm not a materialistic person, never have been. He knows this. Just the fact that he puts thought into things matters. He knew I needed to be busy on Christmas Eve and got me out of the house and my mind off things. I'm not sure how far in advance he planned it or if me getting only two hours of sleep and crying my eyes out that morning started the wheels turning. Doesn't matter. Matters that I was with him and we had a great day. Christmas Day was okay too. I woke up with a cold and he let me sleep in instead of cooking breakfast like I had planned. My friend was kind enough to open her family celebration to us, seeing as no family members wanted us around. Their loss. Although I did send both sets of grandparents a Christmas card and wrote inside that no matter what I loved them regardless. I think it should've gotten there on Christmas Eve. But I was with my love so we could've been anywhere and had fun. Next year I hope to be a little strongr and less weepy but who knows. Thank you baby for being my hero.

2009-11-16T15:15:00.001-06:00

(Had a Bad Day-Part 3)My self-esteem is really taking a hit by continually getting turned down for jobs. I gotta keep pressing on. I want this surgery bad. I want a job to feel normal again. We need the money and health insurance. Plus it will get me out of the house so I don't sit here stewing all day. So let's hope Wednesday's interview goes better. I know I'll be praying it does.

2009-11-16T15:06:00.001-06:00

(Had a Bad Day-Part 2)So hubby reminds me of the old hair dryer we kept to use on the dogs after baths. Well, he could've blown on my hair and it would've dried faster. Get to the interview with semi damp hair and ROCKED the assessment. Did the interview and the way it went seemed positive but I had a REALLY weird feeling about it. Got an email about 2 hours after I left saying they decided to go with another candidate. I cried my eyes out.

2009-11-16T15:00:00.001-06:00

(Had a Bad Day- Part 1)Laugh every time I hear that song but today it applied. Wasn't feeling good all day yesterday and didn't really sleep last night. My husband tried to get me to reschedule my interview this a.m. because he knew I felt bad. I refused even though he told me he thought they were gonna jerk me around like they did to him. I wanted to push myself and go so I got ready to go. Drying my hair and the motor in the dryer blows.

2009-11-12T23:27:00.001-06:00

(Some Good News)I have two job interviews next week! Very happy about that. Tuesday I finally played Poker in the free tournament my hubby and best friend do every week. They both were so helpful and patient with me. I ended up finishing in the Top 20. I was proud of myself. No word on the insurance or surgery yet, so I wait. Earlier my hubby told me how much he loved me and loved me no what. I started to cry because he really meant it.

2009-11-10T16:35:00.001-06:00

(Just keeps getting better & better)Just got a call from the surgeon's office, they have a cancellation tomorrow morning. I can't go until I get the insurance straightened out. I continue to wait.

2009-11-10T11:23:00.001-06:00

(Fed up.)I'm so frustrated! Keep applying to jobs and I'm getting the run around. Now I find out they have up to 60 days to reinstate our health insurance. In the meantime my surgery keeps getting further out of reach. Our reduced rate on the insurance is up on January 31st. We can't pay the normal rate! WHY COULDN'T I HAVE FIGURED THIS ALL OUT BEFORE??? I don't think I was ready yet. So, now I'm ready and I wait. Hate my life today.

Beating my head against a wall

2009-11-05T18:10:00.003-06:00

So yesterday I got the call that I was approved for my surgery and the soonest apointment they have is December 9th. It's going to take forever to get here. Then today I call COBRA to ask questions about the new plans for 2010 and apparently our payment didn't make it there in time and they cancelled our insurance, even thought the woman my husband talked to said the contrary. So, I had to do a Letter of Appeal. Keeping my fingers crossed and saying prayers.

I need this. I want this surgery so bad. I CANNOT go on like this. My life is stuck. I hate cancelling on friends on the days I don't feel good. I hate not being able to climb my stairs and having to take breaths. I hate not finding chairs I'm comfortable in and then it sets off the Pudendal Neuralgia. I hate not feeling sexy. I hate having to work sex around the times I feel well. I hate the chance that I may not be able to conceive because of my weight.

I HATE MY BODY RIGHT NOW! I'm trapped! Say a prayer to the big guy for me....

2009-10-29T18:39:00.001-05:00

(Insurance)Just got paperwork today that my HMO is no longer available. That means that IF I don't have weight loss surgery soon, it may be delayed if the new insurance doesn't cooperate. Really bummed and stressed about it all. Really wish I would've made the decision sooner.

2009-10-29T18:34:00.001-05:00

(Luck)If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.- Jim Carrey as Charlie in "Me, Myself & Irene". These words ring so true today.

Weight of the World

2009-10-28T21:58:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure how my best friend does it, juggling an infant, a full time job over an hour away and a husband. I can barely do it now and I'm not working and have no children.
Today was one of those days. It started out bad. Our shower head is broken but you can rig it to work, for the most part, this morning it was not cooperating. Should've known this was the precursor for the day. My group info session for a job went well. They're interested in me so I continue on my journey. I also got a call this evening about another possible job lead that I am working on. So, I've got stuff I'm working on.
I've continued to call my doctor's office to see what's going on with the referral I need to start meeting with the weight loss and surgeon and I'm getting nowhere. I'll keep trying. The job I went to the morning may not start until January and IF I can have the surgery before I start, great! Otherwise it will get put off until March-April next year. REALLY bummed if that happens.
My husband went to work and was dropping off some stuff for a friend and our only car died. Of course, we don't have the funds right now for this and EVERYTHING else. Luckily, we have someone who is going to help us out until we can get it all straightened out. Angels everywhere! I swear.
I'm tired, I can't sleep with everything going on in my head. Worried about work, bills, my health and all the other daily crap is just getting to me. I had a good cry though, mascara running down my face, the body cleansing sobs, the whole nine yards.
I'm just very thankful we have friends. I'm not quite sure I could handle all this without them.

New Kids on the Block and Country Music

2009-10-27T20:11:00.004-05:00

Haha! In all my excitement, I forgot to mention I finally saw the New Kids the week before I got married. My wonderful other best friend hooked me up with one of her friends who had an extra ticket and my husband gave me the heads up to go. I felt like I was transported back to 1989 and I was 13. I had so much fun and was so greatful to my best friend "B" for remembering my obsession with them. LOL!
I also am super stoked that my best friend "A" now likes country music!!!! So now "A" & "B" best friends, which by the way are their first initials like my stuff! LOL!

Long time, no blog...

2009-10-27T19:43:00.002-05:00

I finally have the time and the want to blog again. I took a long break. So much has changed since I was last on here in February. Well, my best friend, who had a baby in 2008, that I was friends with since infancy and I no longer speak. I'm okay with that.
My VERY best friend, who has been wonderfully there throughout it all, had her first baby. A darling little girl who Auntie Bridge LOVES to dote on. I am so fortunate to have her in my life and that my best friend understands my need to be a big part of her life.
I unfortunately lost my job a few weeks after my best friend had her baby. In the end, even though the last 6 months have been rough, it's for the better.
My boyfriend and I, have careful thought, got engaged finally. We decided we didn't want a long courtship so, we got married in Vegas on June 30th by ourselves.
We had a blast. We went to so many places and saw 2 Cirque shows. The roughest parts were the day before I got married, I got an e-mail from my dad saying he and my mom loved me. That was it. I'm not sure if he knew I could check my e-mail from my phone while on vacation, but it tore me up. I wish they could've left well enough alone. When I broke the engagement news to them, neither was excited for me or congratulated us. Then when I talked to my mom a few weeks before I got married, I tried to tell her some of the plans or stuff that was going on and she couldn't be bothered. On the day of my wedding, my aunt/godmother decided to leave me a message asking me if this was really what I wanted and my other aunt left a cryptic message. My second aunt did call after they were able to view my ceremony live from Vegas and said how nice it all was. I spoke with my grandma and grandpa as well. My grandpa actually was the only one who congratulated both me and my husband. Oh well.
Aside from looking for work and going thru various health issues, including breaking my toe AGAIN! I've made the decision to have weight loss surgery. I need it for me. I can't function this was anymore. I feel like I'm trapped inside my body. And I'm SCREAMING to get out. I have gone thru the first step, which is attending an informational meeting at the hospital. Next, I'm waiting for the insurance to go through all the necessary steps. I'm VERY excited.
My husband and best friend have been EXTREMELY supportive. I'm also lucky enough that one of my husband's poker friends, a woman also now my friend, had the surgery almost a year ago. She was close to my size but not quite and basically is half the person she was a year ago. She's been patiently answering my questions and sharing info with me. So, I think with these three AMAZING people I should be okay through it all.
So, now my journey begins.....

Big Girls

2009-02-10T10:45:00.000-06:00

I watched the Grammy's on Sunday night. I kind of liked them. It was interesting how they had many different performers on stage singing with others from other genres. That was kind of cool. I think the best performance outside of Jennifer Hudson's was Sugarland's. I love Jennifer Nettles voice. She sounded great when she sang the duet with Adele on "Chasing Pavements". It was nice too seeing both Adele and Jennifer Hudson as plus size girls up there doing their thing.
It's not widely accepted to be a singer and a plus suze girl, unless you were an opera singer. It's refreshing to see Jordin Sparks up there too. They show those chubby little aspiring girls that there is someone out there who looks like them! Back when I was growing up there weren't that many big women out there. Looking back at the styles for plus size girls in the 80's and early 90's, I can probably see why. LOL!
Being that the average size for women today is 14, there are big girls out there everywhere nowadays. But there is still a discrimination out there. It's still accpetable today for people to judge fat people.
Everyday of my life I catch people looking at me. It still phases me at times and I am almost 33 years old. I dress good for my age and size. I've been complimented by older women at my job as well as a gay friend of a friend. If you can get the praise from the older women and men who really don't find women attractive, you got it!
I know I need to lose weight, for my health especially, and I could probably find more choices in a smaller size, but I don't need other people thinking or saying this to me. I don't tell them that they may be stupid and maybe if they went back to school, they would be smarter or if they got their nose fixed, they might be more attractive. I like people for who they are, not what they look like or how smart they are.
Everyone has something to offer. But judging a book by it's cover, may make you miss out on a masterpiece!

Random thoughts

2009-02-06T11:14:00.001-06:00

Last week I dragged my poor boyfriend to see Bride Wars. He was one of two men in the entire theater. I felt for him but it was nice that he wanted to take me to the movie. It was a cute romantic comedy and I enjoyed it. One part made me cry. It was when Kate Hudson's character, Liv, was getting prepared to walk down the aisle and the father of Anne Hathaway's character, Emma, came to tell Liv how proud he was of her and how he wished his good friend's, Liv's parents were here with her on the special day. It brought a tear to my eye because I realized my parents would not be there when I get married.
They're not dead, we just don't speak, we're estranged. They don't like my boyfriend. He and my dad got into a verbal fight on Christmas 2007. It's just escalated from there. My siblings have gotten involved and made it ten times worse. It makes for interesting holidays.
Anyway back to the movie, I didn't expect to be moved so much by the movie, but it made me a little sad. But I knew that just like Liv, I could be strong and move forward with life. I think the saying goes, you can pick your friends but not your family.
Then the commercial that always gets me was the one for I think it is Lexus cars. The kid is all excited about getting a big wheel for Christmas and you see him cruising down the street and he is beside himself with joy. I used to remember as a little girl riding my big wheel with my cousin and my sister at my grandma's house. this happens to be the mother of my father, who decided to keep peace to not invite me to Christmas Eve for the second time in my life. The first time was back in 1999, because of another man I was dating. They didn't agree with his race. But my boyfriend currently is the same race as me, she probably didn't want to rock the boat because of my dad. I think she felt bad when I called her to thank her for the gifts she mailed to both of us. I understand from her point, but it still hurt.
I think that's why in recent years I hate the holidays. We didn't put up a tree this year. We weren't even going to go to my mom's side of the family, if my grandpa had not called me very upset and crying. I did have my heart set on just staying home and it just being another day. We did make the most out of Christmas Eve and had one of our favorite foods. Nothing says Christmas Eve like HOOTERS! Now every time we eat Hooters, I'm reminded of the nice night my boyfriend tried to make for me on Christmas Eve.
It's funny that he is my family now. Him and our dogs. And all of my friends. I couldn't have asked for a better family now. My friends invite us over for their kids birthdays and their family celebrations. I feel included by them and no I can count on them for anything.
My boyfriend is my rock. He tells it like it is and stands up for me and challenges me. He has taken me places I would have never thought about going to or doing. We've been to numerous cities that I've only heard about. He rents me movies that he knows I would like and suprises me with them. He'll bring home flowers just because. It's the little things he does for me that make me love him more each day.
My dogs are like my babies. They love me unconditionally and make me feel like the best person in the world. They don't care what kind of car we drive. They just want to go for a ride in it. They don't care what kind of clothes I wear, they just like to lay on them when I am geting ready or when I undress. It doesn't matter where we live, just that I am there with them. That's unconditional love. I hope someday I am blessed to have a child that will think of me the same way.
That's the same way I used to see my parents growing up. I loved my parents because they were MY parents and not for any other reason. It didn't phase me that we lived in an apartment or that we never went on vacation. i was just happy to see them at my softball games and girl scout meetings and choir concerts. i would not have traded that for anything.
I can't wait to be the person waving at my child one day from the stands and know that miracle is my family....

Concerts

2008-10-29T09:49:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a friend today about concerts that I have been to. I've been to some great ones, like Garth Brook's last tour, and I saw Elton John perform with Billy Joel in the dueling pianos show. I have even seen my childhood crushes- New Kids on the Block on four occasions. I've seen Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney and the Dixie Chicks multiple times each. Madonna was the WORST show I have ever been to. I would NEVER waste my money on her again. I've seen Bon Jovi, Creed, Ozzy Osbourne, Carrie Underwood, Janet Jackson, Gretchen Wilson, Big & Rich, Dierks Bentley, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilara, Mariah Carey, Boys 2 Men, 98 Degrees, NSync, Ricky Martin, Chicago with Earth Wind and Fire, Sugarland, Poison and Warrant. I have pretty eclectic taste in music.
The boyfriend teases me because now that New Kids are back on tour, I would LOVE to go see them again. I'd probably see off my right arm to go. I didn't get to see them on the last go around in October 2008, but mark my words, I WILL get there. No matter what it takes. I just take solace in the fact, I am not the only 30 something year old woman who will be there screaming her head off for these four guys I was the first to discover back in 6th grade in 1987-1988. I was the first girl to bring them to my school and tell my friends about them. No one knew who they were. I had seen their picture in a teen magazine and later that day saw them on MTV. I was hooked. I still have a box of memorabilia somewhere.
Who can say they have liked someone that long and still held out hope you would see them perform again?
I was crushed when they did that show a few years ago on VH1 about reuniting the band and Danny declined the invite. Of course the boyfriend laughed like a crazy man but I felt all the wind go out of my sails and almost lost that last glimmer of hope.
When I first heard they were going to be on the Today show earlier this year, I was transformed back into that giddy pre-teen I was 20 or so years ago. I check my DVR system daily to see if it can find any shows with them on it. I've seen them on the Today show twice recently and Rachel Ray as well. I was feeling just like those three girls who were competing for the Ultimate Fan. Deep down, I know I am the best fan!
It's great to feel 12 again, only 20 years later!!!!!

Why I Hate Old Navy and Victoria's Secret

2008-08-29T13:38:00.000-05:00

I know why they call it Victoria's Secret...

The secret is anytime someone comes into their store who cannot wear their product, they treat them like crap. I have walked into Victoria's Secret on a number of occasions and not ONCE has anyone EVER asked if I needed help. The thing that aggravates the crap out of me is that I may not necessarily be shopping for myself. I could be shopping for my mother or sister or whoever. The kicker is that I love their beauty products. I wear their perfume and body creams and lip glosses. I have almost gotten to the point that I want to send someone else in to buy my stuff. I hate shopping online because it can be a pain in the booty.

Old Navy associates and customers must be cut from the same cloth. Two weeks ago me and my sweetie went shopping there to look for khaki pants for him. He can fit into their pants and some of their shirts. Every time I go there I get ignored, people walk in front me and no one ever asks if I need help. I can't buy anything there really unless I am shopping for my sweetheart. It just irks the crap out of me.

My sister who wears a size 4 said she gets this treatment when she goes in Lane Bryant shopping for me or my mother. I guess size discrimination happens everywhere.

I think the worst is when other big people critize other big people. My mother is a big proponent of this. She has been plus size for years and constantly told me what I pretty face I had and how much better I would look if I lost weight. I'm the first one to admit I need to lose weight to get heathy. But I think I look good for my size. I dress nice, I wear cute clothes, My hair always looks good and I have great accessories. Many times the older ladies at my company have commented to others and it has gotten back to me their compliments.

But I think because growing up I never thought my mom was anything less than my mom and she was beautiful. That's why I hate that one commercial where the mother said she lost weight because her kid said she was fat. What she needed to do was teach her kid tolerance and to respect other people regardless of their size, race, creed, etc. Then lose the weight for herself.

I have an understanding that sometimes kids say inappropriate things but their parents need to teach them better instead of laughing it off. Bet they would not be laughing if their child was different and others were pointing or making rude comments!

Deep down I think the woman are jealous because I am a big beautiful intelligent freindly FATABULOUS woman!

That's probably why some women could never understand why I always had boyfriends. They did not realize, big women are better lovers! LOL!

I hate being a woman!

2008-08-29T13:30:00.000-05:00

I got a call two weeks ago from my gynecologist that my pap smear did not come out so good. I had a bad one two years ago and she did a retest a year later. This time she only wants to wait six months. So I have to go again in January and spread my legs for all my glory to be shown to the world. If your skinny person it's uncomfortable, but when you are a big beautiful Fatabulous girl it is even worse. Try not to tip the table when you are putting your naked curvy booty on the lovely scratchy paper protecting the table. Then try to open your legs as wide as you can while worrying if your boobs are going to fall to the side and hit the floor or if the doctor can get to what she needs while working with all your lucious curves.
I'd rather pull my eye out by sticking a pen in it!!!
Then to make matters worse, I called yesterday with a question and they asked if I was still bleeding despite having the iud. Of course, I was, so I have to go get my blood levels tested. Maybe by levels are low. Who knows? I've been really tired lately but that can be normal for me. So we'll see what happens.

UGH!

2008-08-27T10:50:00.000-05:00

Today is one of those days! I feel like a big ball of crap. After two years of trying to figure out why I have been in so much pain on my left side and discovering other medical issues, it was discovered i have two herniated discs in my spine. It took 8 doctors to finally figure that out. i had reached my breaking point and my gyne was at a loss to suggest anything else and finally said she wanted me to go to a pain specialist. My first visit he said he thought my spine was messed up and my discs were out of whack. One MRI later I had two herniated discs at the L3/L4 and L4/L5. So I have undergone three spine treatments that were a combination of medicine injections and shock therapy. I am now functioning at 60%. It's better than it was, thank God! I'm back to work full time finally after being on leave for three months.

But today it is really acting up and I must have ate something bad that is wreaking havoc on my digestive system, because since yesterday I have been worshipping the porcelain goddess frequently. The thing that sucks is I just had some kind of flu two weeks ago.

And on top of that, even though I have had my Mirena IUD going on 9 months, I still have my period. It stopped for awhile after the doctor discovered it was not providing enough hormones and I now take a hormone pill daily. She wanted to know at my last visit 4 weeks ago if I came off the hormone if I would start bleeding again. The answer is YES! I forgot to get my medicine filled in time and went a few days without it and almost 5 weeks later I still have a period daily. I was so getting used to not using pads or other methods of contraception. I'm thinking if it does not stop soon, I'll need to call her back to see what we need to do to get this stopped.

I'm tired of feeling sick and tired.

PCOS

2008-04-23T11:15:00.000-05:00

How funny! I've been sitting here all morning, examining myself in the mirror and lamenting the side effects of having PCOS. Thank God my body hair is light and you can barely see the facial hair. The skin tags can be removed eventually. The hump on my back is there to stay. The Type 2 Diabetes is also along for the ride.
I realize that 21 years ago this summer was my first encounter with PCOS. It was the time I got my first menstrual cycle. It has NEVER been normal/regular. For years I searched for an answer. There had to be a logical reason for me being crawled up in the fetal position on the floor sobbing from the pain of cramps. Changing my pads every hour was mind boggling. Thinking back, I should have told my family to invest in stock of feminine products. We all would have been rich!
It hampered my life. I can remember getting up from my desk and one of the boys in a nice way mentioning I must have sat on a red pen. I had bled thru my underwear, shorts (because we all wore shorts under our school uniforms to keep the boys from looking at our panties), and through to my skirt. I was mortified. Who wouldn't be?!?!?!
This continued through my teenage years. I even had one doctor tell me to just get pregnant and maybe it would fix itself. (I was 19 and unmarried and a college student!) Finally in my early 20's after seeing gyne after gyne and going on birth control pill after pill, I came across PCOS. I don't even remember how or where I found it. I just had recently switched doctors and luckily he was familiar with it. His wife also had it. What are the chances??? I was with him for a while and in a tragic accident he passed away. I bounced around to a few doctors until I found Dr. P. She is a godsend.
Whenever I call or come in, they treat me like family. She's honest and upfront with me. No holds barred. Sometimes to a fault. LOL! Thankfully she is just a few years older than me, so we will have a long road ahead of us together.
The same year I transferred to Dr. P that May I had just felt awful. I was real out of sorts and could not shake whatever was happening to me. I just didn't feel right. It felt like I had the flu that would not go away. My nurse practioner sent me to test after test to try to eliminate this or that. One Friday a few weeks later in June she had all the tests back. She left me a message at work to make an appointment to see her. My heart dropped. We were planning my dad's 50 birthday and I was preoccupied with helping my sister with anything I could. I called the nurse prac back and asked to speak to her directly. I could not wait to make an appointment, they could not get me in for awhile. I would go crazy in the meantime. I hate suprises so badly that the boyfriend and I exchange x-mas presents a few days before because I can't stand it.
She finally lamented and realized if she didn't tell me I would go insane, quite literally. I had Diabetes. I knew it was only a matter of time before I got the dignosis. It ran in may family and I had PCOS. It was inevitable. I was ready to fight it head on.
It has put life into perspective. My bf's dad died from all kinds of complications less than 6 months after we met and he also has it. His has progressed in a bad way and we recently added insulin to the mix, so hopefully this does the trick. Watching him feel like crap is hard. I feel helpless and I am used to him being the one helping me through.
Anyways, back to PCOS, I was watching Work Out on Bravo today and they were enrolling clients in a type of boot camp deal. The doctor who was advising Jackie, the gym owner, mentioned one of the ladies had an "Unusual Medical Condition". I knew right away what he was going to say next. It was the first time I had heard PCOS mentioned in a show not directly dealing with medicine. I had seen it on Mystery Diagnosis on Discovery Health but not on regular TV.
I'm curius to see how much other people have seen it out in the real world and what their experiences are with it. I know infertility is the biggest one, but what are the others??

Family

2008-04-22T16:10:00.000-05:00

Family isn't necessarily the parents or brothers and sisters you are born with. Sometimes they may be the friends that you have or your aunts and uncles or grandparents that you may not spend as much time with as you wish you could. You may not have even realized until later in life, just how much these people make up your family.
Whether they are there cheering you on or putting you in your place or holding your hand through a tough situation. Sometimes it's the partner you couple up with that is there with you through it all.
It took me awhile to understand all of these out of the norm people were my family. They are the ones that I want/need to surround myself with.
I've come to realize the negative people in my life are toxic, both emotionally and physically. Staying up late worrying if I spent enough on this one's gift or called X amount of times or made this many visits to someone was getting me nowhere but to a life of insomnia. They are the ones that talk about how much money they have or where they live or what kind of car they drive. But they forget where they came from. They forget it's a long way down from their high horse or pedestal. That fall is bone crushing.
It's funny because I've never been all about money or status. I mean it's nice when you have extra, but trust me I understand when you don't more often than not. LOL! The way I have always seen it, is that you can't take it with you when it's your time. I can hardly see St. Peter meeting you at the pearly gates and asking you how much was in your 401k!
My friends have never been all about money and my aunts and uncles understand you do what you can. My gifts always have thought behind them anyways. The best gifts are the ones that I really take the time to put together. One year for Christmas, I put together a basket of small gifts for her of her favorite things. It had chocolate covered cherries, books, movies and lotions. She looked less than thrilled when she opened it. My heart dropped. I thought I was the rock star for the day. Maybe if I had purchased a large gift certificate to her clothing store she frequented, it may have been better.
The funny thing is my parents recently became snobs. My siblings always had that brewing for years. There was years my parents barely scraped by or my mom was borrowing money to cover checks so they would not bounce. It never bothered me that we never went on a family vacation or went to Disney world. My mom always said the money to pay our tuition or pay for any extra curricular was the vacation money. I accepted it and never questioned it. I wasn't a scarred kid because I never met Mickey Mouse. There's more to life than that.
Someday I hope to have my own family one day with my boyfriend. I know we'll try our best to be a good example for our kid(s). Show them to treat everyone with the same patience, understanding, love and respect as they would want in return. We'll teach them that even the wealthiest person in the world can fall down. But it's all in how you pick yourself back up. They will learn from their mistakes and go forward.
My extended family has taught me that. How to hold my head up high. Even if I wasn't the daughter to get married first or even second, I'm still an okay person. I may not have had the first grandchild or chose to live with my boyfriend first before getting married, but I'm not any less of a person.
And neither is my bf. He may not be rolling in the dough, but every doctor's appointment I go to, he's there holding my hand. He's the one who rushes me to the ER whenever neccesary or when I just can't function, he'll do the dishes or laundry. I know it's tough on him. Most men would have left a LONG time ago, not him. He tells me every day that he loves me and shows me in the little ways.
I see how good he is to all my little cousins and my friends' children. He's quick to run to my aunt or uncles house whenever needed.
Those are the types of people I want to surround myself with. They are the ones who will wipe your tears or push you off the ledge when you don't have the courage to jump. They are the ones who may drift in and out of your life and when you catch a breather will call you and pick up where you left off.
They are not just friends to me, they are my family.

2008-04-18T08:07:00.001-05:00

Eggs

2008-04-17T11:37:00.000-05:00

I sit here contemplating the rapid approach of my 32nd birthday. Sometimes I wonder how did I get here to this place? My dream growing up was to graduate college and be married by 24 with a kid on the way shortly thereafter...

It's all long gone. The college I can continue slowly plodding along. The marriage thing... Well, nowadays you don't necessarily have to be married to have a kid. The bf and I accepted about this time last year that we may need to do it all a little backwards. He was really good about it and was like okay whatever needs to be done.

Well, obviously because of a variety of health set backs, we haven't started. We're both okay with that but...

I sit here thinking about what I heard the other night while watching the "Real Housewives of New York City". Bethenny's friend was listening to her speak about wanting a baby and she said she understood her point especially because she said, "We are born with all the eggs we will ever have in our life."

What a cruel joke... Men can produce as much stuff as they need to but we're limited. It's almost like we have an expiration date. And as her friend on the Real Housewives pointed out, you want to use the most fresh eggs here... What am I doing making a cake???

Has PCOS made my expiration date come sooner than the master plan? Or maybe it has delayed it a bit by all those months of having no period. Or was it speed up by those months I had multiple periods or a month and a half long one quite frequently.

Or maybe I need to heed the bf's advice. He claims eggs have no expiration date. (I on the other hand still think this is up for discussion) He also says when he was little the eggs used to sit out all day at the grocery store outside of the cooler. I don't remember that part but maybe he is right.

I know I started my period at 10 or 11, all I can remember is my mom turning to me that day and saying she wondered when my time would come. I swear on the Holy Bible, that day I got it. Maybe I was cranky and she thought it was hormones that day, who knows. I kind of blame her for that. LOL!

But I can't think about my expiration date. I need to live life to the fullest. Whether that is rocking out at a Bon Jovi concert with friends or taking a road trip with my honey bunches of oats to see our favorite baseball team.

I need to enjoy the time I have with family and friends and with my little family I have with the bf and our animals. Like my aunt says there is always a way....

Soul Mate

2008-04-16T15:03:00.000-05:00

You know how sometimes they say every person has a soul mate? Well, I have a few, not just one. Obviously, I think my bf is my soul mate. We complete each other's statements and can read each other's minds. But I have another one...
I met her, wow, it's been 18 years all ready, sitting behind her in Senorita Renfroe's Spanish class freshman year. The two of us probably couldn't read a lick in Spanish anymore, but we tried. She's one of those friends that you may wander in and out of each other's lives for awhile but like magnets, you always come back to one another. You always pick up where you left off, like you didn't skip a beat. It's funny I have another friend with the same first name that is the same way.
Well, I had been really down lately and kind of been out of touch and kind of explained what was going on and my friend told me to try this thing called blogging. I had heard of it, but I thought it was just what I needed. I needed to voice my thoughts, feelings, frustration, basically scream it out without screaming.
So, here are my thoughts, dreams, feelings, frustrations, hopes, etc.
It's like pulling a bandaid off a wound, it feels worse at first but then much better.